Empty space

So my parents are actually having people look at the other house, which is great. The one problem I see is that that house is still full!!! Then I realize that in the hope of getting my grandmother's stuff out of the house and make that room a functioning part of the house I've created an empty space. It's not big by any means, but it is a space, will the carpet get laid, probably not...which again was part of the goal I was working toward. It also means that the room won't be ready by Christmas and the family will once again have only one room to gather in with two small children, the house still won't be baby proof...and I already want an excuse to boycott Christmas. My dad is still fighting the fact that we're trying to organize the house...and I think just the knowledge that what I did was basically pointless has made me feel defeated. I've been told that without the space I created we wouldn't have anywhere to go with the other stuff...but I doesn't help much. I'm not a person who cries much...but I have to admit that this hurts enough that I did cry. I already realized that yes dad does love the progress to a point but without his help...I'm stuck. And with him bitching about it, it tells me that he isn't ready to move forward. Mom isn't going to change her work habits because one room is clean. She isn't ready to move forward either, and realize that she can have a life outside of work...one which includes her husband, and children, not just her mom. But getting her to leave work early one day a week to have dinner with her mom has been a huge accomplishment though. AND Me...I guess I really just don't watch everything move into the hole I created, it will hurt. I feel like I worked so hard and was actually motivated to do SOMETHING for days and weeks on end and now it just seem pointless. Granted I do feel that everything I did this summer is preparing me for the future...just what I'm not sure of. I know that I enjoyed piecing together our genealogy with the obits and newspaper articles, I've also come up with a way to help others start from the beginning with just obits. I hope I get to put that to use, just to see how and if it works, and I did like helping my family declutter. I just need someone who is actually WILLING and READY to help other out. Unlike here, I've also done more baking and some new cooking. And want to try more I just need more people to share with so I don't eat it ALL and the other home improvement work I've been doing around the house this year...just all makes me feel like I'm being prepared for something. I just wish I knew what it is and how I can get to that point so I can move on, because I'm ready. And I wish I could just market myself as someone who wants to work on genealogy and decluttering...but somehow I'm sure not/yet sure there is a market for what I want to do but how and where it would be.

Obits. and showing off what I did this weekend.

This just one of the families with obits., wedding announcements, and  newspaper article on different family members.

This is just the THOMAS family...it was fun to sort.

So over the last few weeks I've been sorting through the family obituaries, taking the data off them to check if PAF and new.familysearch is up to date, and that I have all the information I needed for each individual. So after doing that I had stacks of obituaries divided by main families example: THOMAS, ROUCH, JOHNSTON, HERSHBERGER,  then I put them in a clear plastic sheet with the family tree/family group sheet binder for the families. Then I still wasn't sure what to do with them we had a family group binder from years ago that just glued the information to the back of the individual's page, but in my case I didn't think that would work since I want to do a reprint in the next couple of years, since most of the temple work should be done by then and I want that information on those pages too. So I was talking to Doug, and he mention alphabetizing them, when I realized I could glue them to a completely separate page (colored to help it stand out.) Then place that right behind their family group sheet, that way I have them organized and yet if I reprint at anytime I don't lose that information.

Talking with Eli

I have to say this and in a place where I can't get in trouble from my sister for it...this is the second time I've been able to talk to my sister and get something important from it...not just listening to her talking about breast feeding, and other mommy things that I don't want to listen to for 2hrs plus. So I have to wonder if this goes back to my priesthood blessings and being told to talk to my family and to share with them my thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Granted even now it is mostly her talking, but with at least me, I do actually am starting to get to be able to share some myself...just not about breast feeding...today, maybe tomorrow though :) I'll share last weeks helpful hints. Since I've been talking to Doug from Iowa and seeing how hard it is to date with a 6 hrs drive separating us, she mentioned I should plan a trip to where he lives and do so serious job hunting in person for about 3 weeks, since I've used google to really look up what I'm already interested in for a new city...so that is in the works. I think I'll head out for a week while my parents are visiting grand babies... Then I called her about genealogy, I was looking for some female temple names which she didn't have. But she gave me an amazing idea about how to organize my temple names for Doug, so he would know which could be seal right after finishing their endowments and which of them couldn't. So what we did is take a temple envelop, you know the kind you get back after printing a new batch of names, and probably have a lot of...okay those. Look up each name individual and check if their father's work has been done if it has place it in a newly marked envelop "Ready to Seal." We then wrote that name on the outside of it with whatever work he has to have done before he can be sealed. That way when Doug, goes through the temple all he has to do, is look before he goes in if it can that person can be sealed afterwards or not. When he's done he can also put the name back in the correct envelop without my help...we hope. If the father's work isn't done that name gets place in an envelop marked, "Not Ready to Seal," or to something of that effect, and again the name and what work needs to be done is on the outside of the envelop. Now what my sister does so she makes sure to place the person back in the right family, since we've always tried to group them by family, is she takes the paper clipped family and paper them to the outside of the envelop while she's doing the work for that one person. So when she's finished for the day that name can be group back to their family very easily which I like also. You could as then keep it there when you leave so you could work on that one family until you've done all their work, instead of just grabbing a name at random. Tomorrow I'll share's today's helpful hint, but I want to think and talk it out with Doug first...sorry. Stay tuned until tomorrow.

Why I believe Wednesday Missionaries and Priesthood Power

. This event in my life holds a special place in my heart because it helped through a difficult time. I remember the day I was told my grandmother was in a hospital in Indy, my parents asked/told me I would need to pack so I could take care of my two younger cousins so my aunt could focus on my grandmother. I remember during the drive to my aunts just praying for the missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to show up at some point so I could get a priesthood blessing to help me be calm, and have the ability to help with my cousins. I prayed that prayer everyday not sure how and when it would be answered but knowing it would be. The oldest cousins was in school, kindergarten, I believe and I was home with the youngest all day. It was hard, my aunt and uncle had just switched phone service and I couldn't call long distance to my family, I was getting daily updates from my father every night and him calling to make sure I was doing fine. My uncle was working, then going to work basketball games, and then heading to the hospital to check on his wife and mother-in-law, so the kids didn't see him or their mother for most of that time. All the had was ME??? I remember one night both of my aunts who were staying at the hospital came home to take the oldest to a basketball game for her. I had a question I wanted to ask my aunts but wasn't sure how they would react to it, so I went to bed. I couldn't sleep so I went back out and talked to them and asked if it would be okay with them for us to have someone give grandmother a priesthood blessing, they agreed and told me to never be afraid of asking or talking about something that is important to me with them. So, Elizabeth Thomas, called me back and I told her we had permission to have someone give grandmother a blessing. I don't know how it was arranged all I know is that it was. That weekend as all of the family gathered, including me and the two that I was watching at the hospital. The two priesthood holder from Carmel, IN came and gave the blessing. I remember them saying how impressed they were that the whole family was there. It was a blessing that gave me comfort, and peace, but before I could ask them for one of my own they were gone. So I continued to pray and even know I am so amazed by what happened. See I was home alone most of the time, and missionaries can't come into a house with a single women or maybe even a women alone (not really sure which it is but I know definitely single woman.) So in the middle of a really cold January I was trying to figure out how was I going to get this blessing. I figured the front porch or the garage with the door up might be the best I could do, or I knew one of the neighbors was a stay-at-home mom, if that would work those were my choices. But Heavenly Father had a different plan and a better plan: on Martin Luther King day, my uncle stayed home from work, my aunt came home from the hospital, and bright and early two missionaries showed up at the door. My uncle invited them in partly because I was standing in the doorway with them, because I needed to talk to them, and because he felt they had the chance to come out of the cold themselves for a bit. They were able to give me the priesthood blessing I was needing at the time to help me comfort and be calm for my younger cousins. I'm not sure I did all that the blessing asked of me, but I know that Heavenly Father sent them to me the only day I could have gotten the chance to talk to them, and get that blessing. That is why I KNOW and BELIEVE missionaries are inspired by the Holy Ghost to go where they are needed, and one of the reason I believe in the priesthood power.

Music

This has been an interesting week concerning music, it started when I drove back from Nauvoo the song the House that Built Me, came on and one line jumped out at me. Then I was lying in bed trying to go back to sleep later than night and the words from I Am a Child of God, came into my mind. I've always loved the second verse and this time it really hit home...Come little child... to me it was like an invitation for children to become a part of my life either through me giving birth to them or by any other way. Which was an interesting thought considering my own fears for my natural children, but I found it very comforting. Then Keith Urban's song Without you, talks about the miles in between them and how somehow they ended up together? or finding each other. I thought that was very fitting to what is happening at the moment. Then a line from You and Tequila (wow I actually spelled that right on my first try.) Make Me Crazy, the line One is one to many but One is never enough, reminded me of a conversation with my brother about kissing and how careful we'll have to be in the future. I also guess the songs really started at the dance in Nauvoo, when I heard Just a Kiss Goodnight, which I heard for the first time one the way to talk to my branch president during the repentance process. I had been thinking on the way up how was I going to prevent this in the future, and that song came on so I turned it up and through the static I got the jest of the song. Only to have the president ask me the same question, and I of course laughed because that had been my thoughts on the drive and because I had the answer. Luckily he knows me and how I react to music so he knew that it really was my answer to my prayer and thoughts. So to hear it as I was dancing with Doug was fun because it reminded me of the answer to my prayer and the promise I had made to the president. I think that were all the songs that talked back to me this week.

Nauvoo part 2

Since Celeste asked for it I'll finish giving my recap of the weekend...So I last left you with me thinking (I know that comes as a shock to everyone, me thinking) at the Nauvoo Temple. After I finished the work I was doing I hurried to out to met the two guys I came with, Doug and his friend James, hoping I hadn't kept them waiting to long. Only to find out I was the first one done YES, they weren't waiting on me, then came the fun part of trying to round up my sons, that where to be baptized. Only they didn't have them and I didn't have the sheet or even the knowledge of a their names or know if they even got done. So I was given the names that the guys had done endowments on the temple workers hoping those where the names I was looking for, but they weren't. So we hurried up to go back to Camp Nauvoo, and get my sheet of paper with my sons names on it, the guys changed quickly hoping to make it back to the temple then go and see the Joseph Smith movie, no such luck. By the time the guys got change we had a few minutes to either head straight to the movie and hope we didn't forget the names or skip the movie an go to the temple. We went to the temple which was a good thing, I got my names and as I walked out there was a girl that I had seen at the conference waiting for a ride. Okay, I didn't realize she knew Doug or James, so I asked if she wanted a ride back to camp, she said no she'd wait so I got in the car. Doug was out and trying to help her to decided to go with us, at this moment maybe I should add that since she knew them and wouldn't get in the car still maybe I should of taken that as a hint to get out of the car. LOL! After Doug seriously trying to get her in the car, he finally offered her popcorn, just to get her in the car and back to camp so us girls could change before going site seeing. At the offer of popcorn, I started laughing...I mean we're taught not to get in a car with someone offering candy but popcorn is safe I guess, and Doug realized the moment he said it how wrong it sounded and I would have catch it and he would be in trouble for saying and would hear about it later, and boy did he. Lol. So we go back to camp I change faster than the other girls gets out of the car and walking towards Doug, needless to say he was impressed. We go to the visitor center to find the people the girl was suppose to get a ride from...no such luck. But I saw an amazing pic. of the Nauvoo Temple by the upstairs offices and one of the missionaries reluctantly took me up there for a closer look, only to that what I thought looked like water from the main floor really was WATER, so we asked questions about where the water came from, and it also has lightening in the background, you couldn't tell that from the main floor. So I'm happy we got a closer look at it. We walked out by the Women's Monuments, waiting for the movie to end and find the girl who rode there with us. Found her, she didn't find her ride to the temple so we went back to camp and tied fleece blankets which was interesting and eat. Then head out to kill time before the dance, we went down Parley Street to the Mississippi. What I loved about that was the marker of all how died on the trail, on the other side it says "To Those Who are Lost From Our Records, but REMEMBERED Unto the Savior." That really hit me...we can trace our genealogy back to who came over to American but can't seemed to go beyond that point. I feel that they are lost to us, when I went to the Chicago Temple last time I was told that "my sons," would help, which is why I call them that. I was also told I might be surprised where I would get the help to find them. So I realized before Nauvoo, that they are lost to me but God knows where they are, how to find them, who will help, and even who will find them. I don't care if I find them, I just want the family to be able to find them so we can start their work and move forward...if going back in the past is moving forward. Then last night as I was reading my scriptures I came in Luke 15:8 that says: 8 ¶Either what woman having ten pieces of silver, if she lose one piece, doth not light a candle, and sweep the house, and seek diligently till she find it? 
Okay, not sure that is quite the scripture I was reading, but it has the main point if I seek my family diligently I will find them or those that can help will come into my life. It just tied into what I've been working on and how I feel about getting beyond where I'm at. Okay so back to Nauvoo...we went to the dance and the chaperon that I had talked to the night before was there (he wasn't suppose to be.) He made a comment about how he'd seen me all night with guys where were they I pointed behind me. I said they had my back, we danced and I go back to sit down. Then later I realized that I was not being involved just sitting back and watching so I texted him and told him I would stop hiding and start dancing. So I dance a portion of the dance before the lights and jumping got to my head. We played a game of croquet, and he went back to dancing...the night end with me getting a head massage from him which helped and me laughing about how it was to bad he couldn't go home with me, (should of offered popcorn,) because I would really need a head massage after that drive. Sunday, I drove Doug to choir practice so I could go back later and get the girls he offered rides too and he could still do what he wanted to do since he had gone out of his way for ever one else. At the testimony meeting, one of the guys from Mexico bore his testimony about how Christ teaches us to love everyone, later I applied that to one of the lesson about DENIM SKIRTS in the chapel and we should spend our times obsessing over the stupid little things that people do, but instead let go of the DENIM SKIRT MOMENTS and focus on LOVING the person instead. It was a long way drive home trying to figuring a Denim Skirt moment from the weekend, I have to say it would be hard for me to love that person. Anyway, I also heard a testimony about how coming home from a mission is hard on the R.M. because he doesn't KNOW his family any longer since it been 2 years of changes for him and his family. NOT what I wanted to hear, it almost had me crying, not with baby boy just submitting his paper this last week. It's hard enough to think of two years without him, but for him to not know us anymore...not cool. Pretty much that was the end of the trip to Nauvoo, a sack lunch with Doug and I talking before we both had to drive home, finalizing some arrangement's about him coming to the boat in Oct. and that was it. 
Again I hope you enjoy my thoughts, comments, and commentary on my trip to Nauvoo. Thanks for sticking with it and making it to the end. 

Why I believe Wednesday: Temples, and Eternal Families...

Before I start I guess I should explain that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you may of heard us called the LDS church or just the Mormon. That is who, what I am and what I believe (start nasty comments about me now.LOL) Last week I talked about the broken road I have taken, and how I started on a healing road recently. This weekend I had the chance to the Nauvoo Temple, in Nauvoo IL, usually when I'm in the temple I feel rushed by my own time schedule especially if I've made the drive to Chicago on my own and have to make it back yet. This time, yes I made the 6 hrs drive by myself but I wasn't worried about the drive back since I had one more day in Nauvoo before coming home. So I really got to enjoy the time in a peaceful, quite, and calming building. I had time to think and ponder about what I was actually doing in the temple that day. What we do in the temple is we bind our families in an eternal family. And for a girl that comes from an broken uneternal family this is important to me, I want to have an eternal family. I want my family to be fixed eternal family, meaning I want ALL of my family to be with me in heaven not just a few scattered people here and there. So by doing ancestors work we are building up our family the only way we can at the moment by connecting the past, granted there will be a gap in our work and we accept that. So Saturday in the temple I was able to see how my Broken Road was a road that at each turn took me to the temple. When I was on my internship I was able to go to the Orlando Temple on my day off twice a month, and start building my testimony of temples and the work we do there. I also realized that even if I could go into the temple because it was closed, I wanted to be where I could look at it and feel that peace. When I came home I didn't take the time to go as much, but come May I had the chance to go to Utah...and boy did I go to the temples then. I went to as many different temples as I thought I could convince my sister to go to and had fun. Then I came back and dated a guy who made it a point to go each month...that lasted a short time but the work that I was able to get done during that time helped me more than I had thought. I then started making that drive by myself, and got more work done and families sealed for time and all eternity, which is the whole point of temples. So for the first time I was able to see the best thing that came out of my last two years, it wasn't about the two guys I dated, it was how they were able to help get my work to where it is now. My journey has been one of building my testimony of temples and eternal families. That is why I believe.

Nauvoo part 1

So on Thursday night I was talking to Doug, and it came up that the YSA conference he was going to was in Nauvoo that weekend. I meant to ask him about the conference on Wednesday when we talked, but instead we talked about job hunting. Which I felt was very important to me at the time, and so I forgot to ask him about it before it was bedtime. So here it is Thursday night, and he was like oh, you would have come if you'd know it was going to be in Nauvoo? Which then very quickly became could you come now that you know. Because my dad had purchased 40 pounds of green beans that would need to be canned, I wasn't sure I'd be able to go. So when my mother got up I asked her. I told her it was stake conference at Michigan City, and I didn't want to run into my ex-boyfriend, I didn't have to teach, didn't want to drive alone AGAIN to the Chicago Temple for a poorly attended tri-stake temple trip, and I hadn't really planned on going to the boat anyway, so all of those things worked in my favor, and of course, Dad's approval and willingness to can green beans without me, if I took the time to wash up jars before leaving. So I tried to go back to bed for a little while since I hadn't rest well all night due to the uncertainty of going, or not going, and the want to go and the possibility of seeing Doug again for the first time in 2 months of communication.  I had to then of course wake up, shower, pack, eat, and exercise so I could be on the road about noon. When I was getting ready to leave...I started to doubt since I didn't have housing or the money for a hotel right at that moment I got a text saying I could sleep in a tent with other girls that Doug knew. I was amazing to realize that right as doubt started to come in God sent the answer I need to go ahead and go to Nauvoo. It was of course a LONG drive, and a one point I was laughing at how I didn't want to drive to the Chicago Temple but was willing to drive a much longer distance to go to Nauvoo knowing I would have time with Doug. I made it there safely and went to the Temple first, so I could have a few family names printed before the sessions on Saturday. I then found my way to where I was to go, and met up with one of the girls I was rooming with. She took me under wing completely and helped me get registered, FOOD, and a ride to the dance that night so I wouldn't have to drive any further. That night was kind of a blur because of Emily just helping get settled and I was exhausted from my drive. At the dance, of course, I was me found a chair, sat down, and watched or at least until this chaperon made me move by him, then the fun really began. He would introduce me to different unsuspecting young men and try to get them to talk, or dance with me. It truly was entertaining, or he would point out young men for me to avoid, or that were safe in is mind. At no point did he ever ask my age, so the could actually introduce me to guy closer to my age than 19. So after laughing a lot with him, and the poor guys he brought over the dance FINALLY ended.
With Saturday morning, came the knowledge that I would met Doug. So I went to the Nauvoo stake center, and organized my family temple names one last time, before handing them over to Doug to finish, and hopeful make it easier for him to know what work is able to do for each individual. Then I waited, and watched for him to show up. Then he did, and then I could focus on the speaker who was the Temple President, he had some really funny stories and thing I hadn't thought about or didn't know. He talked about how Joseph Smith had promised his son Joseph III that he would be the prophet. But because he wasn't faithful to the promise and blessings given him. That promise went to Hyrum's son Joseph Fielding Smith, then to his Grandson Joseph F. Smith, and that Richard M. Ballard (think that is the right apostle,) is also of Hyrum's family.  We then went to 3 different lessons and then to the temple. At the temple I was given a lot of time to think and ponder, but one of the two things that really caught my attention was that I knew I was going to be handing over my son's (male family names) to Doug on Oct. 7th which was the "next time," I was planning to really see him. So I knew I would have to get them ready and organized, but Sunday when I came home from the boat I realized I wanted to do that on Monday, so I did. Later in the week I talked to Elizabeth and found a way to help him know how much work each son needed done at the moment. Had I not do it Monday, I wouldn't of been ready to hand those names over this weekend. Does the three weeks really matter, I don't know I know Doug isn't "planning" on going to the temple before the 7th, so I would say not really, but that is now and how know's what the next few weeks will bring. All I know is Heavenly Father helped me be prepare even though I wasn't aware I was going to need to be that quickly, and I'm so grateful that I was.
If you made it this far in my thoughts and happening of this weekend you are a true friend or really bored, so I'll give you a break for now and come back tomorrow with part two.

Why I Believe Wednesday Bless the Broken Road.

A couple of my friends to "Why I Believe Wednesday's," and they post them elsewhere, I could post mine there also but very few people could read it there so I'm placing it on FB. Back in July, I heard the song "Bless the Broken Road," and I know I've talked a little about it but this time I won't hold anything back, no more lies, lines and half truths...well almost. My broken road started two years ago and took me through HELL to then take me to Rockford, IL. I've always knew when your mentally not ready to be in a relationship you shouldn't be in one. This didn't stop me from going into my second relationship in two years. It's fun to be in a relationship and realize that he's trying to control you, or yelling at you with the sole intent just to make you cry just to prove that he has that kind of power over you. Or to realize the real reason behind him calling off the wedding is because he really thought I would just let him control me completely and then realize that I would never make it as easy as he would like it be. When I was in the relationship I could see and get only part of the abuse but until the day I drove away for the last time did I fully get it. I was almost outside the town limits when it felt like this veil had be lifted from my mind, and for the first time MY THOUGHTS were back, I could once again think for MYSELF, the promises that I had made years ago came back. The lessons I was taught by my protectors can back in full force. The only way I can truly describe what happened is using this scripture Ether 4:15 from the Book of Mormon : "Behold, when ye shall rend that veil of unbelief which doth cause you to remain in your awful state of wickedness, and hardness of heart, and blindness of mind, then shall the great and marvelous things which have been hid up from the foundation of the world from you—yea, when ye shall call upon the Father in my name, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, then shall ye know that the Father hath remembered the covenant which he made unto your fathers, O house of Israel." It was like the veil was rend and only once it was lifted could I see that Heavenly Father was there the whole time trying to get me to listen to Him and help me out of my HELL. There really isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thankful that He really did finally find a way to get me out even if it meant convince the guy I would never give my control to him completely.

A few months later I was at a church dance where I had walked out of the church building to avoid a song, I ended up spending the rest of the time talking to a guy. At the end of the dance the guy wanted my number and even though I enjoyed talking to him I could tell that he really want more than I could give him. I also felt that I was lying to the guy part of the time which didn't give me confidence about giving my number to him...I wasn't sure he would be able to understand my Hell and the choices I had made. So I didn't give it to him and over the next few months realized how much I really needed a friend to talk to and almost wished I had taken the guy up on the offer. So I ended up being HIGHLY ENCOURAGED, to attend a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL...where I heard "Bless the Broken Road," which really helped me to see that there really is a reason for the path I've taken. Not long after that song and pray that I had prayed, I was asked to dance with I guy that I had met there and he asked for my number. This time I realized how much I needed someone to talk too, already felt guilty over saying no the time before, so I gave me number. With having someone to talk to, the changes I've been making already in my life, knitting, and teaching Sunday school. I've gotten of the Broken Road and started on the Healing Road. I know that Heavenly Father has been guiding my steps because I can see how I needed to go through part of the past two years to get to where I am now. There where just times I stopped listen, but that didn't mean He left me, he was waiting for me to return back to him. He is always waiting with open arms no matter how long it takes us to get back to him, but two years were enough time for me...this time. That is Why I Believe.

Using my brain...

I had this interesting thought today, when I was finishing up my degree, I was taking 2 classes when I started dating, after finishing one of those I added a new classes. When I was taking the first to classes, my boyfriend was okay with me being in school because I needed his help on one of the classes. After I started the last class, he didn't like me being in school, because I didn't need his help with it. So here is what caught my attention this morning, as long as I need his brain and knowledge it was okay, but the moment I no longer required his brain and knowledge it was no long acceptable. I was thinking for myself, using my knowledge and my brain to him that meant he wasn't able to control me and that was wrong to him. I comment about my sister's marriage that once she got married he took her brain and she was no longer to think for herself. I really know that was where I was and how I did it for a month and a half I don't know...but glad it wasn't six years and counting.

Scriptures from Sunday School Lesson

1 Corinthians 2:5  That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the ^apower of God. I was reading this and it just hit me, the first thing I realized that it tied into  a conversation I'd just had about true faith, and how to know if the knowledge we acquire is good or not. Another part of the Sunday School lesson talked about how the church followed and who was the leader of the church. Thought, prompting, promise, came again this week, was that my father might have the chance to see me get married, "Out of Thin Air." It was an old promise that last year, I was told again...along with some interesting lies to make me believe he could do it. But really the lies taught me was how my father might join the church, the great things about half truths are...well they're half true, you just have to figure out which part is true....Okay back to the point, so I've know since October how my father join the church. I watched a half hearted attempt at it, but my father wasn't going to budge for him. So I've now been questioning not how will it happen, or even who will help, but really that it looks so impossible with the distance so how will that change. So the scripture today just really seemed to say that by God's power it will happen, and no other way can it be done. If my father is to really join the church and see me get married, only God's power will do it, not by the wisdom of man. Now later in the lesson they use the scripture Mosiah 3:19, and it just hit me that my father is a great example of the that scripture, he is an enemy to God and will be forever...Unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Ghost, which means that this next section has to stop on my part, if I keeping giving into contention then Satan wins, and the Holy Ghost can't win.
I also like that again this week part of the lesson is on contention, the saints back then hadn't gotten it from the last weeks lesson either...It references Doctrine and Covenants 38:27, the part that stood out to me was: If ye are not one, ye are not mine. I guess I see that in the family setting if you as a family working together with the same goals then your divided and you can't progress together as a family. 1 Corinthians 1:10 tells us to be of the same mind and judgement. If you are then you'll be able to work on the same goals. I also like 3 Nephi 11:29 which says...but is of the ^bdevil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. I like that it points out exactly were contention comes from, and that it is his goal to stir up our hearts to anger one with another. I have this problem A LOT with my dad, he is a huge source of where my contention comes from especially when in the car with him. And yes even last week after teaching the Sunday School lesson, I still had problems with it. I think that Satan is really using that to keep the Spirit out of our lives, because it works so well. Which is partly why I love this month Ensign and the article called Anticipation the Need to Forgive, I guess I should work on forgiving my father while he is gone, because I know when he comes home I'll be put to the test.
I promise this is the last scripture...for now. 1 Corinthians 6:13 says...Now the body is not for ^afornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. Okay, so our bodies weren't made for sin but for the Lord and the Lord for the body.  Which means to me for my body to be for the Lord, I have to love my body and dedicate it to the service of the Lord. I have to stop fighting my body, then maybe it will heal completely including the headaches, and then put it use doing the Lord's work for me. It also tell me the Lord wants to be a part of our bodies, he wants us to allow His spirit to dwell inside of us which in turns means we have to be clean, but also active so He will want to be with us as we do his work, and having His spirit with will make it easier for us to know what He wants of us.

Grandma Runkle

A long time ago when I was visiting my grandma she shared this story: She was doing her homework in the kitchen, when one of her siblings walked in and commented that she was still working on her homework. So the sister called her stupid, which made my Great-Grandmother Burns really upset. As my Grandma Runkle was telling this story probably 70 years later tears can to her eyes, because it still hurt her so much. She said that she was the only one of her siblings that ever had to bring homework, and work on it. She wishes she'd had the chance to go to college, but even now thinks she couldn't do it. It just made me realize how much words can really hurt. This last week we went to see her again, and she shared this story: My Great-Aunts, who were sisters of my Great-Grandmother Runkle, came up for a visit. So my grandfather wanted to show off his bride to his aunts, since they'd never met before. As they walked across the road one of the aunts spotted my grandma and said, "Look it's a redhead." They then started laughing, all of them including my great-grandmother, my grandma told us that it hurt her so much to have them laughing because of her hair color. I could tell it still hurt, but maybe not as much as the first story...it just surprised me how much words could hurt. I mean I know they hurt, but to truly see how much they still hurt after all these years, was shocking. I guess we should really be carefully what we say to those we love...and everyone else.

Quotes, and thoughts.

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”  
Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught: “When others disagree with our stand we should not argue, retaliate in kind, or contend with them. … Ours is to explain our position through reason, friendly persuasion, and accurate facts. Ours is to stand firm and unyielding on the moral issues of the day and the eternal principles of the gospel, but to contend with no man or organization. Contention builds walls and puts up barriers. Love opens doors. … Contention never was and never will be an ally of progress” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 10; or Ensign, May 1978, 7–8).
I really like the first quote that a friend from Disney posted on Facebook, she posts a lot of great quotes. For me personally controlling my thought is one of the things I fight the most, so I love how it says we should choose our thoughts like we choose our clothes. It tells me that I should be very deliberate in what I choose to think, like I would with what I wear. In the church we're taught not to be sloppy in appearance and that we should dress modestly. I like that I can apply that analogy to my mind, I also like the part of if you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind, and how that is truly the only thing we can control. 
Then if you add Elder Ashton's thoughts about it starting with Contention builds walls and puts up barriers. Love opens doors...Contention never was and never will be an ally to progress. So can our thoughts be contention in and of our bodies??? And if they are then shouldn't we try to stop those thoughts that are destroying our bodies then we can better be servants of the Lord. Now I'm going to get personal with these two thoughts...When I was at Disney I got very sick part was colds that didn't seem to go away, and on top of that I was fighting my periods, and both of those are hard enough to deal with but combined they were HELL. The colds I just tried to fight with OTC meds, but my periods they scared me, so I did what I would always do I called my dad. When he told me to go to the doctor the freaked me out even more...so I waited until my parents came down and we able to take me. Partly because I had no car, no time off, and because I was that worried. I went to the doctor and the best she could do was tell me to go get an ultrasound done, and give me birth control...well I had no car and very little time off. So I couldn't get the ultrasound done, until I came home and went in October. What I learned was interesting and worrisome, but I know why I didn't find it out while I was at Disney. It would have been one more level of stress that I couldn't been able to handle at the time and would have come home...so since that time I've been mad at my body for being so weak with colds, and worrying about if I could actually risk my babies life like that. There is no promise that I'll be able to go full term, or the baby, itself could change my body and make it more normal, then I could possible go full term. But it's just something that I haven't decided I can handle...or I'll need a husband beside me how can help calm my fears. But back to contention and love, so for the past two years I've been hating with my body because of those two things. I've been sick, weak, tired, and depressed, so maybe it's time I start loving my body, the weakness of it, the headaches, and the uniqueness of it, then maybe I'll start to heal. Since I'll no longer be fighting it, and I hope to lose the weight I gained also that I hate. So I can say someday...maybe two years from now that YES!!! I do love my body.

Letting go from myself.

I realized yesterday I have spent months trying to let of go of what others had done to me, and have worked on forgiving them, but in all that time I never considered that I should let go and forgive myself. Being a woman we are our worse enemies so the thought that I would even forgive myself was kind of a shock, but I realized that I need to do it. I need to be able to forgive myself from my mistakes, sins, weakness, and all of the choices I didn't make. It's kind of like I don't love myself, or think I'm beautiful then I'll never believe anyone else...so I don't forgive myself either I'll never be able to truly forgive anyone, or I'll never believe that someone has truly forgiven me...which is more likely the case.

Sharing and Patriarchal Blessing

So last night Doug and I were talking about how shocked he is with how open I am with my thoughts on facebook, here, and our texts. Facebook I've kind of stopped sharing as much...because I realize no one cares so I'll leave a burp of what I feel. But I really use it for is a picture holder, and tell about my day if something exciting happens. My blog is my journal so I'm more likely to share my thoughts, feelings, and success here, since even though it's on the internet only two people read it or least that I know of. So I still feel that its protected, and I love reading what Celeste has to say about my thoughts...because sometime she can say something I really needed to hear, and she does it here. Now we also talked about what you share can be used against you and that is where my Patriarchal Blessing comes in...because both of the relationships I was in were very serious I shared my Patriarchal Blessing with them. The first one I really don't worry about since I know he'll never use it against me, and because I remember part of his, and its something I treasure. The second time was very interesting and different...I keep my blessing in a special notebook, which contains a lot of my priesthood blessings and other spiritual experiences. It's something I protect a lot, but I always have it with me when I travel. Last summer I took it to Utah with me, and when I got home I couldn't find it which worried me because I wasn't sure where I lost it. On the other hand, I knew my Patriarchal Blessing was in it's original envelope which means my address was in that notebook if it was lost in the airport. Not long after that I started dating and was engaged, so he wanted to read my blessing which I didn't have. He found out I could get a replacement one, so that is what I did. The day he gave it to me, since it was mailed to his address, I was barely given time to read it before he, and both of his children did. Which really bothered me then, but now I feel that my Patriarchal Blessing could be a weapon that he could use against me. So on some level I have a hard time reading it, now knowing that it is no longer protected...And as for my spiritual notebook...my sister found it about the time we broke up, and brought it home for Christmas. It was so nice to know that it had been protected, because yes that would have been with me at that time. Since he didn't believe in secrets it could have been shared also. So I feel that Heavenly Father was protecting it very well, and after reading my Patriarchal Blessing last night I feel that the first paragraph answered my worries about it being a weapon, and I realized the more I read it and know it. Then in the future, I MIGHT be able to identify when it is being used against me, but only if I know what it says.

Talking to God...

Last night as I was looking at the front room, and thinking about how easier it would be if Salvation Army would just come and take it the furniture all in one trip. I heard the words, "But that wasn't my will." I realized that once again I was trying to take control of how I want things done. I don't know why, what I wanted was wrong all I know is that it was. Right know I have had a lot of doubt of how everything is working out and if it can. Mainly because I'm talking to a friend in Iowa...and we are really get a lot out of our conversations but all I see is the distances between us. Before I've always had the ability to talk to those I want to whenever I wasn't working or in school. Now with me not working or in school I have nothing to really focus my attention on, when he's busy or we're not talking and it makes me doubt. And I don't like this...so while talking to God last night I realized that I was letting fear, worry, and doubt destroy this friendship. I have to learn to trust that God has a plan for me, even if I can't see it right now.  I realized that I feel like I'm looking at a brick wall, again, and I can't figure out how to get over it, under it, around it, or even tear it down brick by brick if necessary. Again I heard these words, "Do you have enough faith, even that of a mustard seed?" I was reminded that this Sunday or Monday, I asked if Heavenly Father would tone down my headaches to the pain where I don't need pain killers. See I would really like them gone, but at this moment I'm not sure my faith is strong enough to believe in that, but for what I asked for it worked. My headaches have been so much nicer to me this week. I was then reminded of my blessing I got for my graduation, since I had been coughing so bad for at least a week up to it, and for the three days before graduation coughing so much that I was making myself sick at least once a day. I knew I couldn't sit through graduation without water, coughing, or possibly getting sick. So I asked for a blessing so I could go at least those three hours without coughing,. And it worked, and I again used that in June when I went to the Chicago Temple, and right as the endowment session was about to start, I started coughing, again I couldn't get water so I asked for the same blessing to be used so I could go through the endowment session without coughing any further.  And it work. I was then remind of going through the repentance process and the Atonement, and how my sins were forgiven. And how I was told that it worked. I then know that all of those things took faith, even a tiny as a mustard seed to work, but Heavenly Father helped them to work. I know that he can remove this brick wall that I can't seem to move, He can help me do the impossible. He know what I want, and He will help me achieve what is right and best for me, because that is his will. Celeste wrote yesterday, "That if it is important to you, then it is important to Him." When I read those words...it made everything that Heavenly Father and I talked about last night mean more...He know what I value, and what I want, He will help me do it in away that is pleasing to Him.

talking to myself...

When I was in the seventh grade-ninth grade I had locker by these two guys. We shared may of the same classes the first two years, I would start asking them questions about how they did on homework, test, and really anything. They hardly ever answered, but I still asked them, one day as I was getting into my locker in the seventh grade I made a comment about how I love talking to myself. I got one of the guy's to smile at me, which was an improvement. I often fell that my facebook status' are just that me talking to myself, I used to share what I thought there, then I realized nobody cared...so I moved my thoughts here. Since I could put more words and thoughts together at a time, and I like it...maybe I'm still talking to myself but at least this way I'm talking to somebody. I have felt that way with my texts, and other forms of communications, but I figure when who ever I'm talking to is busy at the moment and when they have time for me again, they'll respond, but I just like to get my thoughts out there then and not wait until I forget them.

Prince Charming...

Since I talked about Cinderella yesterday I figured today I would touch on Prince Charming. The other main point I learned from Cinderella is that every girl is Cinderella...which in turn makes every boy is Prince Charming. The problem is most of us forget that we are Prince Charming and Cinderella, but that doesn't change the fact that we are. I personally know I've been surrounded by guys who don't know they're Prince Charming all my life, and I love showing them that they are, or being reminded from them that I am Cinderella. I love watch guys turn into Prince Charming, just by opening the door for someone. I always known that there is a difference between Prince Charming and a Charming Prince, and I never again want to mistake one for the other. I also learned that some Prince Charming can be Cinderella, and Cinderella can be a Prince Charming. Which means sometimes a Prince will leave the ball at Midnight because he gets scared of what he knows he is, and Cinderella can be confident of who she is and stay after Midnight...there is even a version of this in the movie The Slipper and The Rose...which tells an interesting story of what happens but I've only seen it once a long time ago, and don't know the details well enough to go in at this point. Someday I hope to add it to my theories. So anyway, the point is every guy is Prince Charming, even if he's a baker by trade, the point is to somebody he is her Prince Charming, to her Cinderella. (sorry had to clarify that. lol)

Cinderella...

When I was sixteen I was working on day with this guy named Chris Hopkins, he was a great person to work with very protective of me and taught me how the male brain worked, it was great. One day I was working with him, when he turned to me and said, "For the way your doing that you belong in the Cinderella story," (I was cleaning this really nasty food bar with dried on food.) As he walked away, I was thinking he thought I was the evil stepmother since I was basically in charge of him and all the other college students at 16. When he walked back into the dining room I replied, "Am I the evil stepmother, or the ugly stepsisters?" To which he answered, "Neither, your not that bad," knowing Chris, I knew he meant I wasn't that ugly. Since Ever After was the latest Cinderella movie at that date, all I could think was how beautiful everyone was in that movie, so that wasn't saying much or was it? After some thought Chris final answer was: "You're Cinderella, not because your beautiful, but because you're not a dog." I just laughed at him as he walked away, I was surprised by the complement he gave me, only to have him ruin it in the same breathe...Now if that was all there was to the story you would think that scarred me for life. It was interesting that for the next week I kept hearing different Cinderella stories, and so I came to my own thoughts on Cinderella.
In the Disney version you meet Cinderella, right after she's had this DREAM, it was about her being someone special, and she began to believe in a life different than the one she was living. She didn't know she was beautiful, only that she had this dream that she believed in that made her special. All of the Cinderella stories focus on the dream, not her looks. My conclusion was that his comment about me being Cinderella was exactly right, "I'm Cinderella, and it has nothing to do with being beautiful, because I am a D.aughter O.f G.od, or a DOG." That is my dream, to be just that someone who doesn't focus on her looks, but being the Daughter of God, he wants me to be.
Now to Friday... I posted that I have to say I feel like Cinderella in a whole new way...I had never looked at the Cinderella story from the point where: The whole household is preparing for the BALL, and poor Cinderella is taking the time to help everyone else, instead of preparing herself. See she really wanted to take the time to sew this beautiful dress for herself, in some versions she's met this guy who works in the palace as a baker (LOL. true plot line.) So she wants to go, not to met the prince but to have the chance to talk to the baker again. So she wants to spend that time getting ready to met him again, because she was told she would some day live in the castle...and well the baker lives in the castle, with the prince (who she always thought the story meant instead of the baker.) So we all know what happens...Cinderella's stepmother doesn't let her go, so she's left alone instead of going to the BALL with the rest of the town. Well, we also know that her Fairy Godmother, shows up and saves the day...and in the story Cinderella goes to the BALL, and yes the baker turns out to be the prince...or at least her prince.

Housekeeping and me.

So the last three days, I've been dealing with the clutter in one room of the farm house, even though I've made huge strides in the room I feel it is pointless. My mother confessed to me on Monday??? that she doesn't like coming home to the mess that the house is, and she's helpless to do anything about it. Most of the stuff I've been going through is my grandmothers, and since it belongs to the family, one of my aunt's doesn't believe we can go through it unless EVERYONE in the family is present. So we can all of have pick of what we want, well everything that has been left here 7 years ago was stuff no one wanted to begin with, but still we've had to wait. I've gone through most of it...and it's just JUNK, yes there are things that are belong to some of the clubs my grandmother belonged too, I found pictures today, and one basket with a name on it, so I need to run that my great aunt as well as some of those pictures...but nothing else of value. And I'm almost done, I have one box that I haven't started, my grandmother sewing stuff which could be useful to many of my family, books and records. So trust me there is nothing at the moment that stands out and says keep me or that I belong to your cousin because they can't live without me. So as I've done all this work I realize that I feel it's pointless, I don't believe my mother will come home earlier because I've gotten stuff out of the house, I don't believe she will be home enough to help me go through our families belongings so we can open even more rooms, I don't believe my dad will help me get stuff that we do keep moved out so the carpet can be laid for the room. I don't believe they will rearrange the house to suit their needs, and really if I do move I still don't think my mother will want to come home to an empty, but less cluttered house. So today when I was driving home from the Brookston house, all I could think was is me doing this work helping my mother at all, or am I only helping myself by staying here until this mess is cleaned up? And if one person is helped, and the other one hurt in the process is anyone really helped and is the greater need accomplished? So I got home and started text my friend only to have him tell me how HELPFUL, I was being and how much I've accomplished in such a short time alone. Now he didn't know my thought process from my drive yet, but here he was telling me anyway that what I was doing is making a difference, even if I can't see it. I had realized yesterday that Satan is attacking me with my thoughts telling me that I it doesn't matter, and it never will. But for him to just tell me the opposite of what I've been feeling without me having to tell him first...Well we've been keeping the Holy Ghost working overtime and He keeps telling us what to say to each other. I also realized that when I got home I had a long list of things to get done for leaving for the boat and didn't think I would get it done, but while talking to him I was able to get everything done but finishing up the pasta and starting dishes before he had to leave. While washing dishes I realized that maybe a huge part of why I don't feel like I'm doing anything important around the house, despite him telling me I am, is that last fall I was told I couldn't do anything right around the house, and my father never saw what we've done, only that which is left undone at the end of the day. So someone telling me how great I seem to be doing around the house is totally new to me, and for me to see what I have accomplished and not what I haven't, again new. In someway, I do feel that he's telling me to me grateful for the chance to be at home, when all I want to do is be free from the house for awhile. Maybe part of that goes back to working at Purdue as a teenager, and learning that I have to feel that I earned my paycheck, and since I'm not getting a paycheck I'm not doing anything useful...Interesting thought.
Yes, Celeste I know you'll tell me to forget what he said, and how useless he made me feel...I think I'm working on that.

The new room.

This is how much progress I've made in the room over two days, I stop packing boxes when the car is full. I hope to get the ping pong table top moved today, so I can finish packing the car with some of the stuff under the table. It may not look like a lot of progress but nothing has left in about six years, and to find the top of the table in two days. WHAT PROGRESS!!! That has been, I also learned that Goodwill only picks up furniture and not locally. I'm hoping Salvation Army will pick up out here in the country, because I really do what the furniture out of the house in one trip. Because though dad is kind of supportive of this action, it is a lot of stuff to move, and he's only here two days a week. That would be a lot of time, I won't be able to make progress on the room.

Music

So, by changing her misconceptions 
She went in a new direction 
Miss Independent ~Kelly Clarkson

I really don't have much to say about those lines at the moment...but misconceptions are running in my head right now. I don't want to let Satan win, I want to change my direction so he can't win this battle. I'm tired of the same misconceptions in my head, I want to change the way I feel and think about some many things that hurt.  I want my focus to the truth of the situation, not the lies he keeps telling me. I've had enough lies to last me a VERY long time, all I want to hear now is just truths, even if they hurt. I want to hear Heavenly Fathers, gentle voice telling me what is right, instead of Satan's harsh voice lying to me. I want peace to reign inside my head, instead of chaos and confusion.

Trouble I'm causing

The back corner of the table is what I did yesterday, and this is what I'm starting with.

That is the other half of the room.

So yesterday I started a new project...to declutter our house. The farm house we live in used to be my grandmother's house, she couldn't part with items. So even seven years after she died her house is still full, because one of my aunts won't let us get rid of anything, either. So here we are living in a house that is FULL, of other people's junk. A lot of my parents items are still boxed away from their move here two years ago, because there is no where to put it away. After talking to one of my aunt's she told me just to start giving it away, but make sure I send out an email to warn everyone that I was doing it. So I packed up the car yesterday morning of things to give away. Then sent the email, and of course two of my aunts support my idea, and well dad just doesn't want to be the one blamed for it. My mother also told me that part of the reason she works late is to avoid the mess, that she can't do anything with. She's hoping that if the house is decluttered she'll be able to make it her house, yes I had my doubts about it yesterday...they only got bigger today.
Anyway the room runs the whole front of the house, which would give a huge room to expand our living area. If we can get it clean, and rearranged then maybe we can get the dining room empty, so we can move mom's dining room set up here.  I do have plans to get my aunt's stuff out of the upstairs room also, since there are two completely off limits to us. With my parents having  4 kids and only two bedrooms to sleep in at Christmas...well that is fun, and not to mention that we will have two kids this year that will need room to move around. Granted we will only gain one bedroom since the other one has no heat, but if we can get the front room set up with a couch or something to sleep on at least they would have privacy.

A break through...

While I was in Bloomingtion, IN last week I realized that my stomach wasn't as tender as it has been since this fall. I was once told that I personally carry my stress in my stomach area. So in the process of letting go and letting God, I found it odd that it didn't seem to be going away. When I arrived home from Bloomingtion, I realized that my stomach started feeling like it has for awhile. I was told to talk to my parents about my need to leave the farm, so we kind of talked about it this weekend, but last night I finally told my mother why I have to leave. We then started making the farm house less cluttered, in hopes someday it will be a house my mother will want to spend time. Instead of wishing the crap will leave the house on it's own, and instead of hiding behind her job. So I noticed last night and again is morning that my stomach is no longer tender...so maybe I've finally faced the real source of stress, instead of fighting the other little things that were bothering.

Clothes and Trust

After giving away 2 bags of clothes...I'm still packing too many clothes, that I MIGHT need someday. Despite the fact that I haven't worn them yet or at least very little. As I look around my room and at the stuff yet to pack I get so overwhelmed at what is left. I mean really how much do I need, and will I EVER use it. So I realized that I hold on to thing because what if, one day I need it. I'm not trusting Heavenly Father to provide for me now or even in the future. Yes, I can carry all of this junk I haven't used from one location to another, or I can let go of it TRUSTING that one day in the future it will appear when in need it and I'll be able to afford it then. It will make my move much lighter...and yes this doesn't just extend to household items.

On the Road to Damascus

Today during Sunday School we talked about Saul, I found it interesting that he had gotten permission to go to Damascus to bring the Saint to jail, that was the point of his journey...but something happened on the road that change his whole trip, and life. Christ appeared to him and that changed his intent for his journey. The thought that immediately popped into my head was...I'm on the way to massage school, but what is really going to happen instead. How many times in our lives do we think we know what we're doing and where we're going only to find a new course of direction. I thought I was going to Walt Disney World to save up for a mission, before I left I knew I wouldn't have enough money...but I went anyway. It changed my life, my roommates became my best friends, I loved the work, but destroyed my immune system, which taught me an important lesson on work, learned to let people in, learned how to hide my heartache. I had an amazing time with my family that came to visit, and learned that I need water. I thought I was getting married this Christmas, instead I learned the healing power of the Atonement, how much it truly does cover, and that nothing is to big for God, Christ, and the Atonement, when they say everything...THEY MEAN EVERYTHING. Now I don't quite know how my road is going to start or even where it takes me, but I ready to start my journey to Damascus.

YEAH!!!!

One of our old boat neighbors commissioned some red fishnet stockings from me awhile back, but she know I was trying to get some projects done for my nieces. Since my parents were going out there to see them, and I wanted to get them done so grandma and grandpa could take them. Then when she saw the octopus legs on one of the socks, she told me she wanted a scarf with them as fringe. So I was able to see her today, and show her a book to figure out which scarf she wanted, she picked on I have already done, then found gloves to go with it (which I wanted to do anyway.) Then she just kept looking and said a dress and sweater for her granddaughter...and pretty much anything I want to knit, if she likes it she'll commission a second on to make. LOL. I can't believe it, she'll pay for the yarn and time for her projects. YEAH!!! This is kind of what I want to do with my knitting anyway, even if it only covers yarn cost and a little more so I can knit for the church at the same time, without using my income, when I get one that is.

Jets and Out Pour of Inspiration

One time this week, I was swimming in my aunt's pool and found the jet that blows the water into the pool.  As I looked at it, it reminded me of the out pour of inspiration of what is possible to us. There is a constant stream of communication from Heavenly Father down to us, all we have to do is listen, be prepare to receive it, be worthy of it, and be prepared to act upon it. As I floated around the pool it amazed how far you could be away from the jet, and yet it still is moving you around the pool, to me it seemed like once you receive inspiration and show that you doing your best to fulfill it the Holy Ghost will help do what needs to do. Then as I floated closer to the jet, I could just feel it surrounding my body, this what happens when the Holy Ghost is prompting you and guiding you. Now yes, you can block the jet of the pool, and the water is pushed in another direction, just as is inspiration, when you are unworthy of it, or when you just ignore it, the flow of commutation doesn't stop just because we're not listening, trust me I know. So we have to make sure we are always listen to the inspiration, and acting on the knowledge we receive.

Safe Havens, and Old Dreams

Safe Haven-
I find it interesting that growing up the farm was always my safe haven. It was the place I felt  and knew I was loved. Even in my death and destruction dreams, I find myself fighting on the farm. So why do I feel like it's no longer save or even the right place? Partly I feel that bringing Nicholas here, has part to do with it I no longer feel safe here because of him. After spending a week at my Aunt's and Uncle's house it was amazing how I felt. I felt safe, I could relax, and I didn't feel like I was fighting Satan as much...until it was time to come home. On Tuesday,when I was already packed and loaded my car, this feeling came over me were I knew I didn't want to go home. So we came up with an excuse to not to come home, my cousin's birthday. Then Wednesday night again Satan attacked me because I knew I was coming up and I felt like the Spirit was leaving me because of it. After, talking to Doug, I was able to work through some of why Satan is attacking me again about the farm.  It's time to get away from here.


Old Dreams-
This week I got a phone call from a massage school in Florida, and I've been looking at this school for the past 2 years. This phone call I got gave me all the information I've been seeking, the cost of tuition, classes, and courses they offer, the length of the programs. I realized the cost of the school is about what William paid at Purdue for a year. She also was very helpful about talking about the program I truly have been looking at and how it might be cheaper to go for two licencing instead of one degree, which opened up more locations I could go to school at. The thought came into my mind that massage is a dream that is now 2 years if not more, and maybe it's time for a new dream. I still haven't completely processed it at the moment, but I know that if we give up something we truly want for something that Heavenly Father wants to give us, we will be blessed for it, more than we can ever imagine. Maybe my dream was only to get me through the hard times that these last 2 years have been. Granted to I still want to study it, yes, but I'm willing to give it up and see what Heavenly Father has in store. I wasn't willing to give up my dream last fall, so why now? Granted he wasn't as supportive as he said he was of me going back to school. I really hadn't thought about not going back to school, I wanted this schooling and I was going to get it. Granted I do have another degree or two in mind also one is genealogy degree, which I think would help my family out A LOT and it's all online so I can be anywhere and taking classes, and I have a new dream that is also kind of old...Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.
I wonder if maybe the school is the old dream...I looked into some different schools in a different location, and found another one that I thought would be interesting, but I don't know about the price. They actually have a study abroad program, and gym in their school for the students to use. Which is something I've been thinking about if I was going to go back for more schooling, and they only have classes two days a week so I could work the other three days...I don't know it's all just thoughts forming in my head, and trying to come up with the right answer.

Memories transferred through tears...

Hopefully I can get my thoughts across more clearly here. lol. There is a scene in Harry Potter part 2, where tears are collected and they hold the memories of the person who cried them. That made sense to me, and hit me hard. I was taught a long time ago that my tears where weapons to be used against me, and so I stopped crying so anyone could see. A few years later I was having a conversation with a friend from Purdue, and he joked that if he died I would cry for him. I replied that I won't cry, but I realized at that time that I was crying on the inside where no one could see my tears. I never doubted that the weren't there or that I was actually hiding my pain, but if they aren't see they can't be used against me. When I was at Disney my sister had me listen to a talk by John Bytheway that talked about break ups...all I got from that talk was that every tear a girl cries because she was hurt by a guy those are going to be counted against him. That not the message my sister wanted me to get from that message. But it did get me to stop crying again. Last fall I was being yelled at realized that he was trying to get me to cry so he could use them against me, he was trying to make them a weapon.  I know that even if I cry or not they still are counted. The only tears I don't feel were weapons came after a dream, which was the first time I allowed myself to cry. Yes, my tears or lack there of hold my memories.

Fear

Even though I know that fear is the opposite of God, I still can't seem to get rid of them. I realized last night, that this is probably the hardest thing to 'let go and let God.' I want to let go of all of my fears so I can move on with my life without fear holding me back. It's the only way to truly show God that I  trust him completely. Now more than ever is the time to put our trust in God, there are so many things to fear and will continue to be, if we don't start trusting Him now when thing are at the best they may ever be for us.

Water

I am such a water baby, that 9 times out of 10 times I'll drink water over anything the only thing that can tempt me to drink something else is A&W Rootbeer, and yes, it has to be A&W. I was taught two years ago at Disney that I HAVE to have water. After months of not seeing water, I went to Downtown Disney where there is a man-made little pond. I had to stop and just stare at it, by that time in real life I would have been on the water for weeks...but at Disney this was the first time I saw it. I only made it to the beach 3 times while I was there, and I didn't swim in the pools there. Recently I had a dream where I was at a state fair??? that was huge, and I was looking for someone. I couldn't find him until, I spotted that there was water next to it, I knew he was there. See he knew I would go to the water before I left the area, since I didn't see it very often.  Yes, there are times I know I'm spoiled because the water, or my brother would say we were taught the finer things of life. This week after spending an hour in the pool everyday that I was at my aunt's and uncle's a pool will be just fine.

With holding myself

Elder Neal A. Maxwell commented:

“Ananias and Sapphira … ‘kept back’ a portion instead of consecrating their all (see Acts 5:1–11). Some would never sell Jesus for thirty pieces, but they would not give Him their all either!

“… We tend to think of consecration only in terms of property and money. But there are so many ways of keeping back part. One might be giving of money and time and yet hold back a significant portion of himself. One might share talents publicly yet privately retain a particular pride. One might hold back from kneeling before God’s throne and yet bow to a particular gallery of peers. One might accept a Church calling but have his heart more set on maintaining a certain role in the world” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 90; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 66).

When at Nauvoo, God and I had a long talk while I lay under a tree listening to the pageant being rehearsed. Part of it was about how closed of I had become in the last two years if not longer. I have been resisting letting people in because if you let people in you get hurt. I really gave up on having in friendships inside the church, one day while standing in the kitchen cooking lunch with my friends and realized that in the two hours of cooking they barely talked to me. So I figured if 'my friends,' didn't talk to me and no one else really did what was the point of being there. So I went back to the family ward where people talked to me and acknowledged me. That is part of the reason I don't go back to the singles ward at Purdue because what is the point, I can be in a room full of people and talk to no one. So after having this talk with God, and spending the rest of the day alone, even with the Purdue ysa.  I knew that the following weekend would be just as fun...and lonely. Except I challenged God that I there was no way that I would be any more open in a week, so it would basically be pointless to go. The difference at Rockford and Purdue was, people know of me at Purdue...were at Rockford we all came in small groups from all over and with the purpose of meeting others. So they FORCED me to be more open...and that is truly the key, they would have let me be alone, but really wanted to open up. Where at Purdue, they realize it is pointless, and don't force me to do anything outside of my comfort zone. Which is why Orlando was fun, I was encouraged to learn something new and just have fun no matter how stupid I looked. So now I truly am having to open myself up, on a more spiritual level, and yes I have opened myself up more at church in the last two years. But I get the feeling that Heavenly Father doesn't think its fast enough, and is going to force his hand  and make me progress much faster. To which I was told it will be fun, lol. I just wondering for who, those watching or for me, because somehow I will find this fun for awhile. I think it will be one of those things you look back on and say it was an important step to make me who I am today, and yes it was fun. The process I think will be hell though, the main point will be not fighting it, and laughing and smiling through it.

My broken road

I was thinking about my past and realized that a year ago I was in Utah looking at wedding dresses for fun, and found an amazing one. Which I was very tempted to buy even though I didn't have a reason for purchasing it. If I had bought it I would have stayed in Utah for 6 months to have the dress completed, and who know what that would have lead to. Instead I came on and right a way started dating a older guy, who found me to be an easy target or so he thought. I believe we where playing a dangerous game of who's going to destroy who, which is what I think he was trying to do to me destroy me. Instead he realized that yes I let him have a lot of control over me, but I was still fighting him. So he gave up, and I homed back to the farm which is another mistake, because me being here last time didn't help so why would it this time. But this lead me to the repentance process, which I knew I would have to go through but I didn't want to do it where I was at because I don't feel like the bishop cared about me or noticed me. In March, I realized that my records were still in Michigan City, which were supposed to be move in Jan. so I could that branch president, who I know really well and knows he cared about me. Going through the repentance process, helped me understand that nothing is to big to be forgiven, and really how much it covers. In May, I got really sick the week before my graduation, and since I was coughing to the point of getting sick. I wasn't sure I could actually make it through graduation, so I asked for a blessing and basically what they said reminded me of the atonement and how Christ is willing to take upon him ALL of the things we hate or hurt us, like coughing to the point of getting sick and possibly missing out on graduation. Well I was able to go to graduation and made it through almost all of graduation without coughing, let alone getting sick. This broken path has also brought me to teaching Sunday School in Michigan City, and for the first time the stories are no more stories they are personal applications to my life and it's interesting watching how I see the stories now. Pres. Reyes encouraged me to drive to the Chicago Temple, for a Young Sexy Adult baptism session on my own, so I did an endowment session also. Then he also at the same time started encouraging me to go to a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, which I didn't want to do. And even up to last Tues. I wasn't sure I was going, then a friend told me to read an article out of the Ensign, and I read it and most of it in one day. And there was an article by the First Presidency was the one that told me I had to go, because I had promised to go, therefore; I was committed. So I went and to tell the truth I'm glad I did even if it was only for the conversation I had Sunday night, I think that alone was worth the 3.5 hrs drive.