With holding myself

Elder Neal A. Maxwell commented:

“Ananias and Sapphira … ‘kept back’ a portion instead of consecrating their all (see Acts 5:1–11). Some would never sell Jesus for thirty pieces, but they would not give Him their all either!

“… We tend to think of consecration only in terms of property and money. But there are so many ways of keeping back part. One might be giving of money and time and yet hold back a significant portion of himself. One might share talents publicly yet privately retain a particular pride. One might hold back from kneeling before God’s throne and yet bow to a particular gallery of peers. One might accept a Church calling but have his heart more set on maintaining a certain role in the world” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 90; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 66).

When at Nauvoo, God and I had a long talk while I lay under a tree listening to the pageant being rehearsed. Part of it was about how closed of I had become in the last two years if not longer. I have been resisting letting people in because if you let people in you get hurt. I really gave up on having in friendships inside the church, one day while standing in the kitchen cooking lunch with my friends and realized that in the two hours of cooking they barely talked to me. So I figured if 'my friends,' didn't talk to me and no one else really did what was the point of being there. So I went back to the family ward where people talked to me and acknowledged me. That is part of the reason I don't go back to the singles ward at Purdue because what is the point, I can be in a room full of people and talk to no one. So after having this talk with God, and spending the rest of the day alone, even with the Purdue ysa.  I knew that the following weekend would be just as fun...and lonely. Except I challenged God that I there was no way that I would be any more open in a week, so it would basically be pointless to go. The difference at Rockford and Purdue was, people know of me at Purdue...were at Rockford we all came in small groups from all over and with the purpose of meeting others. So they FORCED me to be more open...and that is truly the key, they would have let me be alone, but really wanted to open up. Where at Purdue, they realize it is pointless, and don't force me to do anything outside of my comfort zone. Which is why Orlando was fun, I was encouraged to learn something new and just have fun no matter how stupid I looked. So now I truly am having to open myself up, on a more spiritual level, and yes I have opened myself up more at church in the last two years. But I get the feeling that Heavenly Father doesn't think its fast enough, and is going to force his hand  and make me progress much faster. To which I was told it will be fun, lol. I just wondering for who, those watching or for me, because somehow I will find this fun for awhile. I think it will be one of those things you look back on and say it was an important step to make me who I am today, and yes it was fun. The process I think will be hell though, the main point will be not fighting it, and laughing and smiling through it.