I just realized why this situation drives me crazy, to me apart of love is attention from someone else. I spend all of my day alone, only to have my mother work long/late hours so by the time she gets home she calls my father if he's on the road, and calls Angela and William for pray. This is usually followed my bedtime, so I feel that she takes time to call and talk to everyone else who are gone but if there is a few minutes for her to talk to me...that is all I get. Usually after she's in bed and falling asleep on me, yes I home and she spends money on me or gives me money if I need it...but money has never been what I desired. I'm glad my dad can deal with this because I can't it hurts so much, I take this very personal, maybe because of how much I've been hurt in the last two years and this just reminds me of being with someone who doesn't really care about me. The sad part is that we've told her how much this hurts so...but it doesn't matter so what's the point of staying if I'm only going to keep hurting when all I want to do is to heal and be whole again.
That explains why when I dated Tom, I was happy because he centered his life around me to bad I was focused on work. With Nicholas, I only had his attention when he wanted me the rest of the time it revolved around his kids, which is where it should have been for the most part, but I needed time alone with him to get to know him. He just never made time available for us, and I avoided it by putting off my homework and hiding behind my computer.
I don't mean I have to be the center of attention, but attention to me means that someone cares enough to what to be there, talk to me, listen to me, ...and just loves me enough to take time to be there through hell and back. There is a song called Love Don't Run by Steve Holy, and that is what I want someone who will stand beside preferably holding my hand through thick and thin.
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