Scriptures from Sunday School Lesson

1 Corinthians 2:5  That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the ^apower of God. I was reading this and it just hit me, the first thing I realized that it tied into  a conversation I'd just had about true faith, and how to know if the knowledge we acquire is good or not. Another part of the Sunday School lesson talked about how the church followed and who was the leader of the church. Thought, prompting, promise, came again this week, was that my father might have the chance to see me get married, "Out of Thin Air." It was an old promise that last year, I was told again...along with some interesting lies to make me believe he could do it. But really the lies taught me was how my father might join the church, the great things about half truths are...well they're half true, you just have to figure out which part is true....Okay back to the point, so I've know since October how my father join the church. I watched a half hearted attempt at it, but my father wasn't going to budge for him. So I've now been questioning not how will it happen, or even who will help, but really that it looks so impossible with the distance so how will that change. So the scripture today just really seemed to say that by God's power it will happen, and no other way can it be done. If my father is to really join the church and see me get married, only God's power will do it, not by the wisdom of man. Now later in the lesson they use the scripture Mosiah 3:19, and it just hit me that my father is a great example of the that scripture, he is an enemy to God and will be forever...Unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Ghost, which means that this next section has to stop on my part, if I keeping giving into contention then Satan wins, and the Holy Ghost can't win.
I also like that again this week part of the lesson is on contention, the saints back then hadn't gotten it from the last weeks lesson either...It references Doctrine and Covenants 38:27, the part that stood out to me was: If ye are not one, ye are not mine. I guess I see that in the family setting if you as a family working together with the same goals then your divided and you can't progress together as a family. 1 Corinthians 1:10 tells us to be of the same mind and judgement. If you are then you'll be able to work on the same goals. I also like 3 Nephi 11:29 which says...but is of the ^bdevil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. I like that it points out exactly were contention comes from, and that it is his goal to stir up our hearts to anger one with another. I have this problem A LOT with my dad, he is a huge source of where my contention comes from especially when in the car with him. And yes even last week after teaching the Sunday School lesson, I still had problems with it. I think that Satan is really using that to keep the Spirit out of our lives, because it works so well. Which is partly why I love this month Ensign and the article called Anticipation the Need to Forgive, I guess I should work on forgiving my father while he is gone, because I know when he comes home I'll be put to the test.
I promise this is the last scripture...for now. 1 Corinthians 6:13 says...Now the body is not for ^afornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. Okay, so our bodies weren't made for sin but for the Lord and the Lord for the body.  Which means to me for my body to be for the Lord, I have to love my body and dedicate it to the service of the Lord. I have to stop fighting my body, then maybe it will heal completely including the headaches, and then put it use doing the Lord's work for me. It also tell me the Lord wants to be a part of our bodies, he wants us to allow His spirit to dwell inside of us which in turns means we have to be clean, but also active so He will want to be with us as we do his work, and having His spirit with will make it easier for us to know what He wants of us.

Grandma Runkle

A long time ago when I was visiting my grandma she shared this story: She was doing her homework in the kitchen, when one of her siblings walked in and commented that she was still working on her homework. So the sister called her stupid, which made my Great-Grandmother Burns really upset. As my Grandma Runkle was telling this story probably 70 years later tears can to her eyes, because it still hurt her so much. She said that she was the only one of her siblings that ever had to bring homework, and work on it. She wishes she'd had the chance to go to college, but even now thinks she couldn't do it. It just made me realize how much words can really hurt. This last week we went to see her again, and she shared this story: My Great-Aunts, who were sisters of my Great-Grandmother Runkle, came up for a visit. So my grandfather wanted to show off his bride to his aunts, since they'd never met before. As they walked across the road one of the aunts spotted my grandma and said, "Look it's a redhead." They then started laughing, all of them including my great-grandmother, my grandma told us that it hurt her so much to have them laughing because of her hair color. I could tell it still hurt, but maybe not as much as the first story...it just surprised me how much words could hurt. I mean I know they hurt, but to truly see how much they still hurt after all these years, was shocking. I guess we should really be carefully what we say to those we love...and everyone else.

Quotes, and thoughts.

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”  
Elder Marvin J. Ashton taught: “When others disagree with our stand we should not argue, retaliate in kind, or contend with them. … Ours is to explain our position through reason, friendly persuasion, and accurate facts. Ours is to stand firm and unyielding on the moral issues of the day and the eternal principles of the gospel, but to contend with no man or organization. Contention builds walls and puts up barriers. Love opens doors. … Contention never was and never will be an ally of progress” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 10; or Ensign, May 1978, 7–8).
I really like the first quote that a friend from Disney posted on Facebook, she posts a lot of great quotes. For me personally controlling my thought is one of the things I fight the most, so I love how it says we should choose our thoughts like we choose our clothes. It tells me that I should be very deliberate in what I choose to think, like I would with what I wear. In the church we're taught not to be sloppy in appearance and that we should dress modestly. I like that I can apply that analogy to my mind, I also like the part of if you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind, and how that is truly the only thing we can control. 
Then if you add Elder Ashton's thoughts about it starting with Contention builds walls and puts up barriers. Love opens doors...Contention never was and never will be an ally to progress. So can our thoughts be contention in and of our bodies??? And if they are then shouldn't we try to stop those thoughts that are destroying our bodies then we can better be servants of the Lord. Now I'm going to get personal with these two thoughts...When I was at Disney I got very sick part was colds that didn't seem to go away, and on top of that I was fighting my periods, and both of those are hard enough to deal with but combined they were HELL. The colds I just tried to fight with OTC meds, but my periods they scared me, so I did what I would always do I called my dad. When he told me to go to the doctor the freaked me out even more...so I waited until my parents came down and we able to take me. Partly because I had no car, no time off, and because I was that worried. I went to the doctor and the best she could do was tell me to go get an ultrasound done, and give me birth control...well I had no car and very little time off. So I couldn't get the ultrasound done, until I came home and went in October. What I learned was interesting and worrisome, but I know why I didn't find it out while I was at Disney. It would have been one more level of stress that I couldn't been able to handle at the time and would have come home...so since that time I've been mad at my body for being so weak with colds, and worrying about if I could actually risk my babies life like that. There is no promise that I'll be able to go full term, or the baby, itself could change my body and make it more normal, then I could possible go full term. But it's just something that I haven't decided I can handle...or I'll need a husband beside me how can help calm my fears. But back to contention and love, so for the past two years I've been hating with my body because of those two things. I've been sick, weak, tired, and depressed, so maybe it's time I start loving my body, the weakness of it, the headaches, and the uniqueness of it, then maybe I'll start to heal. Since I'll no longer be fighting it, and I hope to lose the weight I gained also that I hate. So I can say someday...maybe two years from now that YES!!! I do love my body.

Letting go from myself.

I realized yesterday I have spent months trying to let of go of what others had done to me, and have worked on forgiving them, but in all that time I never considered that I should let go and forgive myself. Being a woman we are our worse enemies so the thought that I would even forgive myself was kind of a shock, but I realized that I need to do it. I need to be able to forgive myself from my mistakes, sins, weakness, and all of the choices I didn't make. It's kind of like I don't love myself, or think I'm beautiful then I'll never believe anyone else...so I don't forgive myself either I'll never be able to truly forgive anyone, or I'll never believe that someone has truly forgiven me...which is more likely the case.

Sharing and Patriarchal Blessing

So last night Doug and I were talking about how shocked he is with how open I am with my thoughts on facebook, here, and our texts. Facebook I've kind of stopped sharing as much...because I realize no one cares so I'll leave a burp of what I feel. But I really use it for is a picture holder, and tell about my day if something exciting happens. My blog is my journal so I'm more likely to share my thoughts, feelings, and success here, since even though it's on the internet only two people read it or least that I know of. So I still feel that its protected, and I love reading what Celeste has to say about my thoughts...because sometime she can say something I really needed to hear, and she does it here. Now we also talked about what you share can be used against you and that is where my Patriarchal Blessing comes in...because both of the relationships I was in were very serious I shared my Patriarchal Blessing with them. The first one I really don't worry about since I know he'll never use it against me, and because I remember part of his, and its something I treasure. The second time was very interesting and different...I keep my blessing in a special notebook, which contains a lot of my priesthood blessings and other spiritual experiences. It's something I protect a lot, but I always have it with me when I travel. Last summer I took it to Utah with me, and when I got home I couldn't find it which worried me because I wasn't sure where I lost it. On the other hand, I knew my Patriarchal Blessing was in it's original envelope which means my address was in that notebook if it was lost in the airport. Not long after that I started dating and was engaged, so he wanted to read my blessing which I didn't have. He found out I could get a replacement one, so that is what I did. The day he gave it to me, since it was mailed to his address, I was barely given time to read it before he, and both of his children did. Which really bothered me then, but now I feel that my Patriarchal Blessing could be a weapon that he could use against me. So on some level I have a hard time reading it, now knowing that it is no longer protected...And as for my spiritual notebook...my sister found it about the time we broke up, and brought it home for Christmas. It was so nice to know that it had been protected, because yes that would have been with me at that time. Since he didn't believe in secrets it could have been shared also. So I feel that Heavenly Father was protecting it very well, and after reading my Patriarchal Blessing last night I feel that the first paragraph answered my worries about it being a weapon, and I realized the more I read it and know it. Then in the future, I MIGHT be able to identify when it is being used against me, but only if I know what it says.

Talking to God...

Last night as I was looking at the front room, and thinking about how easier it would be if Salvation Army would just come and take it the furniture all in one trip. I heard the words, "But that wasn't my will." I realized that once again I was trying to take control of how I want things done. I don't know why, what I wanted was wrong all I know is that it was. Right know I have had a lot of doubt of how everything is working out and if it can. Mainly because I'm talking to a friend in Iowa...and we are really get a lot out of our conversations but all I see is the distances between us. Before I've always had the ability to talk to those I want to whenever I wasn't working or in school. Now with me not working or in school I have nothing to really focus my attention on, when he's busy or we're not talking and it makes me doubt. And I don't like this...so while talking to God last night I realized that I was letting fear, worry, and doubt destroy this friendship. I have to learn to trust that God has a plan for me, even if I can't see it right now.  I realized that I feel like I'm looking at a brick wall, again, and I can't figure out how to get over it, under it, around it, or even tear it down brick by brick if necessary. Again I heard these words, "Do you have enough faith, even that of a mustard seed?" I was reminded that this Sunday or Monday, I asked if Heavenly Father would tone down my headaches to the pain where I don't need pain killers. See I would really like them gone, but at this moment I'm not sure my faith is strong enough to believe in that, but for what I asked for it worked. My headaches have been so much nicer to me this week. I was then reminded of my blessing I got for my graduation, since I had been coughing so bad for at least a week up to it, and for the three days before graduation coughing so much that I was making myself sick at least once a day. I knew I couldn't sit through graduation without water, coughing, or possibly getting sick. So I asked for a blessing so I could go at least those three hours without coughing,. And it worked, and I again used that in June when I went to the Chicago Temple, and right as the endowment session was about to start, I started coughing, again I couldn't get water so I asked for the same blessing to be used so I could go through the endowment session without coughing any further.  And it work. I was then remind of going through the repentance process and the Atonement, and how my sins were forgiven. And how I was told that it worked. I then know that all of those things took faith, even a tiny as a mustard seed to work, but Heavenly Father helped them to work. I know that he can remove this brick wall that I can't seem to move, He can help me do the impossible. He know what I want, and He will help me achieve what is right and best for me, because that is his will. Celeste wrote yesterday, "That if it is important to you, then it is important to Him." When I read those words...it made everything that Heavenly Father and I talked about last night mean more...He know what I value, and what I want, He will help me do it in away that is pleasing to Him.

talking to myself...

When I was in the seventh grade-ninth grade I had locker by these two guys. We shared may of the same classes the first two years, I would start asking them questions about how they did on homework, test, and really anything. They hardly ever answered, but I still asked them, one day as I was getting into my locker in the seventh grade I made a comment about how I love talking to myself. I got one of the guy's to smile at me, which was an improvement. I often fell that my facebook status' are just that me talking to myself, I used to share what I thought there, then I realized nobody cared...so I moved my thoughts here. Since I could put more words and thoughts together at a time, and I like it...maybe I'm still talking to myself but at least this way I'm talking to somebody. I have felt that way with my texts, and other forms of communications, but I figure when who ever I'm talking to is busy at the moment and when they have time for me again, they'll respond, but I just like to get my thoughts out there then and not wait until I forget them.

Prince Charming...

Since I talked about Cinderella yesterday I figured today I would touch on Prince Charming. The other main point I learned from Cinderella is that every girl is Cinderella...which in turn makes every boy is Prince Charming. The problem is most of us forget that we are Prince Charming and Cinderella, but that doesn't change the fact that we are. I personally know I've been surrounded by guys who don't know they're Prince Charming all my life, and I love showing them that they are, or being reminded from them that I am Cinderella. I love watch guys turn into Prince Charming, just by opening the door for someone. I always known that there is a difference between Prince Charming and a Charming Prince, and I never again want to mistake one for the other. I also learned that some Prince Charming can be Cinderella, and Cinderella can be a Prince Charming. Which means sometimes a Prince will leave the ball at Midnight because he gets scared of what he knows he is, and Cinderella can be confident of who she is and stay after Midnight...there is even a version of this in the movie The Slipper and The Rose...which tells an interesting story of what happens but I've only seen it once a long time ago, and don't know the details well enough to go in at this point. Someday I hope to add it to my theories. So anyway, the point is every guy is Prince Charming, even if he's a baker by trade, the point is to somebody he is her Prince Charming, to her Cinderella. (sorry had to clarify that. lol)

Cinderella...

When I was sixteen I was working on day with this guy named Chris Hopkins, he was a great person to work with very protective of me and taught me how the male brain worked, it was great. One day I was working with him, when he turned to me and said, "For the way your doing that you belong in the Cinderella story," (I was cleaning this really nasty food bar with dried on food.) As he walked away, I was thinking he thought I was the evil stepmother since I was basically in charge of him and all the other college students at 16. When he walked back into the dining room I replied, "Am I the evil stepmother, or the ugly stepsisters?" To which he answered, "Neither, your not that bad," knowing Chris, I knew he meant I wasn't that ugly. Since Ever After was the latest Cinderella movie at that date, all I could think was how beautiful everyone was in that movie, so that wasn't saying much or was it? After some thought Chris final answer was: "You're Cinderella, not because your beautiful, but because you're not a dog." I just laughed at him as he walked away, I was surprised by the complement he gave me, only to have him ruin it in the same breathe...Now if that was all there was to the story you would think that scarred me for life. It was interesting that for the next week I kept hearing different Cinderella stories, and so I came to my own thoughts on Cinderella.
In the Disney version you meet Cinderella, right after she's had this DREAM, it was about her being someone special, and she began to believe in a life different than the one she was living. She didn't know she was beautiful, only that she had this dream that she believed in that made her special. All of the Cinderella stories focus on the dream, not her looks. My conclusion was that his comment about me being Cinderella was exactly right, "I'm Cinderella, and it has nothing to do with being beautiful, because I am a D.aughter O.f G.od, or a DOG." That is my dream, to be just that someone who doesn't focus on her looks, but being the Daughter of God, he wants me to be.
Now to Friday... I posted that I have to say I feel like Cinderella in a whole new way...I had never looked at the Cinderella story from the point where: The whole household is preparing for the BALL, and poor Cinderella is taking the time to help everyone else, instead of preparing herself. See she really wanted to take the time to sew this beautiful dress for herself, in some versions she's met this guy who works in the palace as a baker (LOL. true plot line.) So she wants to go, not to met the prince but to have the chance to talk to the baker again. So she wants to spend that time getting ready to met him again, because she was told she would some day live in the castle...and well the baker lives in the castle, with the prince (who she always thought the story meant instead of the baker.) So we all know what happens...Cinderella's stepmother doesn't let her go, so she's left alone instead of going to the BALL with the rest of the town. Well, we also know that her Fairy Godmother, shows up and saves the day...and in the story Cinderella goes to the BALL, and yes the baker turns out to be the prince...or at least her prince.

Housekeeping and me.

So the last three days, I've been dealing with the clutter in one room of the farm house, even though I've made huge strides in the room I feel it is pointless. My mother confessed to me on Monday??? that she doesn't like coming home to the mess that the house is, and she's helpless to do anything about it. Most of the stuff I've been going through is my grandmothers, and since it belongs to the family, one of my aunt's doesn't believe we can go through it unless EVERYONE in the family is present. So we can all of have pick of what we want, well everything that has been left here 7 years ago was stuff no one wanted to begin with, but still we've had to wait. I've gone through most of it...and it's just JUNK, yes there are things that are belong to some of the clubs my grandmother belonged too, I found pictures today, and one basket with a name on it, so I need to run that my great aunt as well as some of those pictures...but nothing else of value. And I'm almost done, I have one box that I haven't started, my grandmother sewing stuff which could be useful to many of my family, books and records. So trust me there is nothing at the moment that stands out and says keep me or that I belong to your cousin because they can't live without me. So as I've done all this work I realize that I feel it's pointless, I don't believe my mother will come home earlier because I've gotten stuff out of the house, I don't believe she will be home enough to help me go through our families belongings so we can open even more rooms, I don't believe my dad will help me get stuff that we do keep moved out so the carpet can be laid for the room. I don't believe they will rearrange the house to suit their needs, and really if I do move I still don't think my mother will want to come home to an empty, but less cluttered house. So today when I was driving home from the Brookston house, all I could think was is me doing this work helping my mother at all, or am I only helping myself by staying here until this mess is cleaned up? And if one person is helped, and the other one hurt in the process is anyone really helped and is the greater need accomplished? So I got home and started text my friend only to have him tell me how HELPFUL, I was being and how much I've accomplished in such a short time alone. Now he didn't know my thought process from my drive yet, but here he was telling me anyway that what I was doing is making a difference, even if I can't see it. I had realized yesterday that Satan is attacking me with my thoughts telling me that I it doesn't matter, and it never will. But for him to just tell me the opposite of what I've been feeling without me having to tell him first...Well we've been keeping the Holy Ghost working overtime and He keeps telling us what to say to each other. I also realized that when I got home I had a long list of things to get done for leaving for the boat and didn't think I would get it done, but while talking to him I was able to get everything done but finishing up the pasta and starting dishes before he had to leave. While washing dishes I realized that maybe a huge part of why I don't feel like I'm doing anything important around the house, despite him telling me I am, is that last fall I was told I couldn't do anything right around the house, and my father never saw what we've done, only that which is left undone at the end of the day. So someone telling me how great I seem to be doing around the house is totally new to me, and for me to see what I have accomplished and not what I haven't, again new. In someway, I do feel that he's telling me to me grateful for the chance to be at home, when all I want to do is be free from the house for awhile. Maybe part of that goes back to working at Purdue as a teenager, and learning that I have to feel that I earned my paycheck, and since I'm not getting a paycheck I'm not doing anything useful...Interesting thought.
Yes, Celeste I know you'll tell me to forget what he said, and how useless he made me feel...I think I'm working on that.

The new room.

This is how much progress I've made in the room over two days, I stop packing boxes when the car is full. I hope to get the ping pong table top moved today, so I can finish packing the car with some of the stuff under the table. It may not look like a lot of progress but nothing has left in about six years, and to find the top of the table in two days. WHAT PROGRESS!!! That has been, I also learned that Goodwill only picks up furniture and not locally. I'm hoping Salvation Army will pick up out here in the country, because I really do what the furniture out of the house in one trip. Because though dad is kind of supportive of this action, it is a lot of stuff to move, and he's only here two days a week. That would be a lot of time, I won't be able to make progress on the room.

Music

So, by changing her misconceptions 
She went in a new direction 
Miss Independent ~Kelly Clarkson

I really don't have much to say about those lines at the moment...but misconceptions are running in my head right now. I don't want to let Satan win, I want to change my direction so he can't win this battle. I'm tired of the same misconceptions in my head, I want to change the way I feel and think about some many things that hurt.  I want my focus to the truth of the situation, not the lies he keeps telling me. I've had enough lies to last me a VERY long time, all I want to hear now is just truths, even if they hurt. I want to hear Heavenly Fathers, gentle voice telling me what is right, instead of Satan's harsh voice lying to me. I want peace to reign inside my head, instead of chaos and confusion.

Trouble I'm causing

The back corner of the table is what I did yesterday, and this is what I'm starting with.

That is the other half of the room.

So yesterday I started a new project...to declutter our house. The farm house we live in used to be my grandmother's house, she couldn't part with items. So even seven years after she died her house is still full, because one of my aunts won't let us get rid of anything, either. So here we are living in a house that is FULL, of other people's junk. A lot of my parents items are still boxed away from their move here two years ago, because there is no where to put it away. After talking to one of my aunt's she told me just to start giving it away, but make sure I send out an email to warn everyone that I was doing it. So I packed up the car yesterday morning of things to give away. Then sent the email, and of course two of my aunts support my idea, and well dad just doesn't want to be the one blamed for it. My mother also told me that part of the reason she works late is to avoid the mess, that she can't do anything with. She's hoping that if the house is decluttered she'll be able to make it her house, yes I had my doubts about it yesterday...they only got bigger today.
Anyway the room runs the whole front of the house, which would give a huge room to expand our living area. If we can get it clean, and rearranged then maybe we can get the dining room empty, so we can move mom's dining room set up here.  I do have plans to get my aunt's stuff out of the upstairs room also, since there are two completely off limits to us. With my parents having  4 kids and only two bedrooms to sleep in at Christmas...well that is fun, and not to mention that we will have two kids this year that will need room to move around. Granted we will only gain one bedroom since the other one has no heat, but if we can get the front room set up with a couch or something to sleep on at least they would have privacy.

A break through...

While I was in Bloomingtion, IN last week I realized that my stomach wasn't as tender as it has been since this fall. I was once told that I personally carry my stress in my stomach area. So in the process of letting go and letting God, I found it odd that it didn't seem to be going away. When I arrived home from Bloomingtion, I realized that my stomach started feeling like it has for awhile. I was told to talk to my parents about my need to leave the farm, so we kind of talked about it this weekend, but last night I finally told my mother why I have to leave. We then started making the farm house less cluttered, in hopes someday it will be a house my mother will want to spend time. Instead of wishing the crap will leave the house on it's own, and instead of hiding behind her job. So I noticed last night and again is morning that my stomach is no longer tender...so maybe I've finally faced the real source of stress, instead of fighting the other little things that were bothering.

Clothes and Trust

After giving away 2 bags of clothes...I'm still packing too many clothes, that I MIGHT need someday. Despite the fact that I haven't worn them yet or at least very little. As I look around my room and at the stuff yet to pack I get so overwhelmed at what is left. I mean really how much do I need, and will I EVER use it. So I realized that I hold on to thing because what if, one day I need it. I'm not trusting Heavenly Father to provide for me now or even in the future. Yes, I can carry all of this junk I haven't used from one location to another, or I can let go of it TRUSTING that one day in the future it will appear when in need it and I'll be able to afford it then. It will make my move much lighter...and yes this doesn't just extend to household items.