On the Road to Damascus

Today during Sunday School we talked about Saul, I found it interesting that he had gotten permission to go to Damascus to bring the Saint to jail, that was the point of his journey...but something happened on the road that change his whole trip, and life. Christ appeared to him and that changed his intent for his journey. The thought that immediately popped into my head was...I'm on the way to massage school, but what is really going to happen instead. How many times in our lives do we think we know what we're doing and where we're going only to find a new course of direction. I thought I was going to Walt Disney World to save up for a mission, before I left I knew I wouldn't have enough money...but I went anyway. It changed my life, my roommates became my best friends, I loved the work, but destroyed my immune system, which taught me an important lesson on work, learned to let people in, learned how to hide my heartache. I had an amazing time with my family that came to visit, and learned that I need water. I thought I was getting married this Christmas, instead I learned the healing power of the Atonement, how much it truly does cover, and that nothing is to big for God, Christ, and the Atonement, when they say everything...THEY MEAN EVERYTHING. Now I don't quite know how my road is going to start or even where it takes me, but I ready to start my journey to Damascus.

YEAH!!!!

One of our old boat neighbors commissioned some red fishnet stockings from me awhile back, but she know I was trying to get some projects done for my nieces. Since my parents were going out there to see them, and I wanted to get them done so grandma and grandpa could take them. Then when she saw the octopus legs on one of the socks, she told me she wanted a scarf with them as fringe. So I was able to see her today, and show her a book to figure out which scarf she wanted, she picked on I have already done, then found gloves to go with it (which I wanted to do anyway.) Then she just kept looking and said a dress and sweater for her granddaughter...and pretty much anything I want to knit, if she likes it she'll commission a second on to make. LOL. I can't believe it, she'll pay for the yarn and time for her projects. YEAH!!! This is kind of what I want to do with my knitting anyway, even if it only covers yarn cost and a little more so I can knit for the church at the same time, without using my income, when I get one that is.

Jets and Out Pour of Inspiration

One time this week, I was swimming in my aunt's pool and found the jet that blows the water into the pool.  As I looked at it, it reminded me of the out pour of inspiration of what is possible to us. There is a constant stream of communication from Heavenly Father down to us, all we have to do is listen, be prepare to receive it, be worthy of it, and be prepared to act upon it. As I floated around the pool it amazed how far you could be away from the jet, and yet it still is moving you around the pool, to me it seemed like once you receive inspiration and show that you doing your best to fulfill it the Holy Ghost will help do what needs to do. Then as I floated closer to the jet, I could just feel it surrounding my body, this what happens when the Holy Ghost is prompting you and guiding you. Now yes, you can block the jet of the pool, and the water is pushed in another direction, just as is inspiration, when you are unworthy of it, or when you just ignore it, the flow of commutation doesn't stop just because we're not listening, trust me I know. So we have to make sure we are always listen to the inspiration, and acting on the knowledge we receive.

Safe Havens, and Old Dreams

Safe Haven-
I find it interesting that growing up the farm was always my safe haven. It was the place I felt  and knew I was loved. Even in my death and destruction dreams, I find myself fighting on the farm. So why do I feel like it's no longer save or even the right place? Partly I feel that bringing Nicholas here, has part to do with it I no longer feel safe here because of him. After spending a week at my Aunt's and Uncle's house it was amazing how I felt. I felt safe, I could relax, and I didn't feel like I was fighting Satan as much...until it was time to come home. On Tuesday,when I was already packed and loaded my car, this feeling came over me were I knew I didn't want to go home. So we came up with an excuse to not to come home, my cousin's birthday. Then Wednesday night again Satan attacked me because I knew I was coming up and I felt like the Spirit was leaving me because of it. After, talking to Doug, I was able to work through some of why Satan is attacking me again about the farm.  It's time to get away from here.


Old Dreams-
This week I got a phone call from a massage school in Florida, and I've been looking at this school for the past 2 years. This phone call I got gave me all the information I've been seeking, the cost of tuition, classes, and courses they offer, the length of the programs. I realized the cost of the school is about what William paid at Purdue for a year. She also was very helpful about talking about the program I truly have been looking at and how it might be cheaper to go for two licencing instead of one degree, which opened up more locations I could go to school at. The thought came into my mind that massage is a dream that is now 2 years if not more, and maybe it's time for a new dream. I still haven't completely processed it at the moment, but I know that if we give up something we truly want for something that Heavenly Father wants to give us, we will be blessed for it, more than we can ever imagine. Maybe my dream was only to get me through the hard times that these last 2 years have been. Granted to I still want to study it, yes, but I'm willing to give it up and see what Heavenly Father has in store. I wasn't willing to give up my dream last fall, so why now? Granted he wasn't as supportive as he said he was of me going back to school. I really hadn't thought about not going back to school, I wanted this schooling and I was going to get it. Granted I do have another degree or two in mind also one is genealogy degree, which I think would help my family out A LOT and it's all online so I can be anywhere and taking classes, and I have a new dream that is also kind of old...Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.
I wonder if maybe the school is the old dream...I looked into some different schools in a different location, and found another one that I thought would be interesting, but I don't know about the price. They actually have a study abroad program, and gym in their school for the students to use. Which is something I've been thinking about if I was going to go back for more schooling, and they only have classes two days a week so I could work the other three days...I don't know it's all just thoughts forming in my head, and trying to come up with the right answer.

Memories transferred through tears...

Hopefully I can get my thoughts across more clearly here. lol. There is a scene in Harry Potter part 2, where tears are collected and they hold the memories of the person who cried them. That made sense to me, and hit me hard. I was taught a long time ago that my tears where weapons to be used against me, and so I stopped crying so anyone could see. A few years later I was having a conversation with a friend from Purdue, and he joked that if he died I would cry for him. I replied that I won't cry, but I realized at that time that I was crying on the inside where no one could see my tears. I never doubted that the weren't there or that I was actually hiding my pain, but if they aren't see they can't be used against me. When I was at Disney my sister had me listen to a talk by John Bytheway that talked about break ups...all I got from that talk was that every tear a girl cries because she was hurt by a guy those are going to be counted against him. That not the message my sister wanted me to get from that message. But it did get me to stop crying again. Last fall I was being yelled at realized that he was trying to get me to cry so he could use them against me, he was trying to make them a weapon.  I know that even if I cry or not they still are counted. The only tears I don't feel were weapons came after a dream, which was the first time I allowed myself to cry. Yes, my tears or lack there of hold my memories.

Fear

Even though I know that fear is the opposite of God, I still can't seem to get rid of them. I realized last night, that this is probably the hardest thing to 'let go and let God.' I want to let go of all of my fears so I can move on with my life without fear holding me back. It's the only way to truly show God that I  trust him completely. Now more than ever is the time to put our trust in God, there are so many things to fear and will continue to be, if we don't start trusting Him now when thing are at the best they may ever be for us.

Water

I am such a water baby, that 9 times out of 10 times I'll drink water over anything the only thing that can tempt me to drink something else is A&W Rootbeer, and yes, it has to be A&W. I was taught two years ago at Disney that I HAVE to have water. After months of not seeing water, I went to Downtown Disney where there is a man-made little pond. I had to stop and just stare at it, by that time in real life I would have been on the water for weeks...but at Disney this was the first time I saw it. I only made it to the beach 3 times while I was there, and I didn't swim in the pools there. Recently I had a dream where I was at a state fair??? that was huge, and I was looking for someone. I couldn't find him until, I spotted that there was water next to it, I knew he was there. See he knew I would go to the water before I left the area, since I didn't see it very often.  Yes, there are times I know I'm spoiled because the water, or my brother would say we were taught the finer things of life. This week after spending an hour in the pool everyday that I was at my aunt's and uncle's a pool will be just fine.

With holding myself

Elder Neal A. Maxwell commented:

“Ananias and Sapphira … ‘kept back’ a portion instead of consecrating their all (see Acts 5:1–11). Some would never sell Jesus for thirty pieces, but they would not give Him their all either!

“… We tend to think of consecration only in terms of property and money. But there are so many ways of keeping back part. One might be giving of money and time and yet hold back a significant portion of himself. One might share talents publicly yet privately retain a particular pride. One might hold back from kneeling before God’s throne and yet bow to a particular gallery of peers. One might accept a Church calling but have his heart more set on maintaining a certain role in the world” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 90; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 66).

When at Nauvoo, God and I had a long talk while I lay under a tree listening to the pageant being rehearsed. Part of it was about how closed of I had become in the last two years if not longer. I have been resisting letting people in because if you let people in you get hurt. I really gave up on having in friendships inside the church, one day while standing in the kitchen cooking lunch with my friends and realized that in the two hours of cooking they barely talked to me. So I figured if 'my friends,' didn't talk to me and no one else really did what was the point of being there. So I went back to the family ward where people talked to me and acknowledged me. That is part of the reason I don't go back to the singles ward at Purdue because what is the point, I can be in a room full of people and talk to no one. So after having this talk with God, and spending the rest of the day alone, even with the Purdue ysa.  I knew that the following weekend would be just as fun...and lonely. Except I challenged God that I there was no way that I would be any more open in a week, so it would basically be pointless to go. The difference at Rockford and Purdue was, people know of me at Purdue...were at Rockford we all came in small groups from all over and with the purpose of meeting others. So they FORCED me to be more open...and that is truly the key, they would have let me be alone, but really wanted to open up. Where at Purdue, they realize it is pointless, and don't force me to do anything outside of my comfort zone. Which is why Orlando was fun, I was encouraged to learn something new and just have fun no matter how stupid I looked. So now I truly am having to open myself up, on a more spiritual level, and yes I have opened myself up more at church in the last two years. But I get the feeling that Heavenly Father doesn't think its fast enough, and is going to force his hand  and make me progress much faster. To which I was told it will be fun, lol. I just wondering for who, those watching or for me, because somehow I will find this fun for awhile. I think it will be one of those things you look back on and say it was an important step to make me who I am today, and yes it was fun. The process I think will be hell though, the main point will be not fighting it, and laughing and smiling through it.

My broken road

I was thinking about my past and realized that a year ago I was in Utah looking at wedding dresses for fun, and found an amazing one. Which I was very tempted to buy even though I didn't have a reason for purchasing it. If I had bought it I would have stayed in Utah for 6 months to have the dress completed, and who know what that would have lead to. Instead I came on and right a way started dating a older guy, who found me to be an easy target or so he thought. I believe we where playing a dangerous game of who's going to destroy who, which is what I think he was trying to do to me destroy me. Instead he realized that yes I let him have a lot of control over me, but I was still fighting him. So he gave up, and I homed back to the farm which is another mistake, because me being here last time didn't help so why would it this time. But this lead me to the repentance process, which I knew I would have to go through but I didn't want to do it where I was at because I don't feel like the bishop cared about me or noticed me. In March, I realized that my records were still in Michigan City, which were supposed to be move in Jan. so I could that branch president, who I know really well and knows he cared about me. Going through the repentance process, helped me understand that nothing is to big to be forgiven, and really how much it covers. In May, I got really sick the week before my graduation, and since I was coughing to the point of getting sick. I wasn't sure I could actually make it through graduation, so I asked for a blessing and basically what they said reminded me of the atonement and how Christ is willing to take upon him ALL of the things we hate or hurt us, like coughing to the point of getting sick and possibly missing out on graduation. Well I was able to go to graduation and made it through almost all of graduation without coughing, let alone getting sick. This broken path has also brought me to teaching Sunday School in Michigan City, and for the first time the stories are no more stories they are personal applications to my life and it's interesting watching how I see the stories now. Pres. Reyes encouraged me to drive to the Chicago Temple, for a Young Sexy Adult baptism session on my own, so I did an endowment session also. Then he also at the same time started encouraging me to go to a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, which I didn't want to do. And even up to last Tues. I wasn't sure I was going, then a friend told me to read an article out of the Ensign, and I read it and most of it in one day. And there was an article by the First Presidency was the one that told me I had to go, because I had promised to go, therefore; I was committed. So I went and to tell the truth I'm glad I did even if it was only for the conversation I had Sunday night, I think that alone was worth the 3.5 hrs drive.

Sleep

I love sleep... I've always had weird sleeping habits, when I don't feel safe I don't sleep through the night. I could go to bed early and then about 10pm I would wake up and be up until about 5am then I could sleep until my body go the rest that it needed. Now I just never sleep through the night, because I haven't felt safe for so long I just am use to waking up often through the night so I then sleep later in the day. If I know I have nothing to do the next day I'm not motivated to get up either, because why prolong a day that is going to be empty anyway. Now after everything I've been through this last fall, I really need a reason for getting up early or Satan tempts me. I realized this weekend why I love sleeping on the boat, because it wakes me up early I hear the birds, the fishing boats going out early, and the sun shines right down on me to wake me up. Granted at 5am there is nothing to do on the boat since everyone else is sleeping, so I just lay there and even though I fall back to sleep, I'm safe. So today I was reading Psalms 57:8 Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early. We know that David suffered through depression, but even though he was at time depressed he is telling himself to wake up early and give glory to God. When you go through depression, all you want to do is sleep, so here we find David fight his depression. I just reassured me that I need to wake up earlier, since I've already been yelled at in my dreams telling me I sleep to much I guess I better do what David said, I myself will awake early. The way that is written make it seems that he does have to force himself to wake up early.

Music, God and I

So at the dance I was basically yelled at by my mother for not dancing...and asked what the point of going was if I don't dance. But the point is that I never know when Heavenly Father will answer my prayers through music, and sometime I may only hear that song at a dance, though that wasn't the case this time. It was amazing I prayed a pray of letting go and letting God take over, and more letting go of the past. When not two songs later came the song God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts, which is a song I've loved this time it just hit me again that I wouldn't be who I am today without all of the things I went through and mostly I was thing about the good times, but know that I have to let those go as well as the bad times, and truly move on. So after everything this weekend I ended up talking to a guy that I met this weekend, last night after I got home. That conversation made me realize that God/ the Holy Ghost talks to me through music...and I remember someone saying recently figure out how the Holy Ghost talks to you and learn the language so you can reply back. So this summer I've come to realize that even though I express myself better through music, and that by writing down my thoughts I'm able to really expand upon them more than I could by talking them out. So last night I put all of that information together and realized that if I want to express my thoughts to God, I need to do it by writing music. It's interesting that music has been on my mind a lot this summer now, I think I know why. I had I not been talking to this guy I never would have realized this part of it. So yes, that is part of WHY ROCKFORD!!!
On the drive home from the boat I realized that in Oct.-Nov. I really stopped listening to music, because I didn't want to interfere with anyone else spiritual experiences...which means I stopped listening to God...I know a shock considering what was going on at that time. So the only time I only listened to music was when I was driving at that time I had a cd playing in my car called the Ten Virgins, and there was a song that always hit me. When I drove away for the last time...that song started playing and I finally got what it said.
But that doesn't work for Disney, when I got to the hotel room, sick and alone for the first time in 6-7 months I realized that I hadn't been listening to God, so He talked and I just listened. I had been listening to music at that point, so maybe it was just the wrong songs which can happen.
Now today I heard What Do You Say, by Reba, and there is a point in the song where it say you just need listen to the silence and give yourself time to think. It talks about talking from your heart...i think that is what I need to apply to my music.

Tumbleweed and this weekend

I've realized that I feel like tumbleweed always going somewhere but never being anywhere at the same time. When I look back at my life in the last two years: I've was in Orlando for 6-7 months for my internship, moved back to the farm for a semester, then the Brookston house for a semester, Utah for two weeks last summer that started in May and ended in well August. I could have stayed there but decided to go back to Indiana, then spent my last semester of school on the boat and in Michigan City, but then moved back to the farm in Nov. until now. I could be moving to Utah again for who knows how long until my sister gets a job in Fl., then I'll move there. Another reason I feel like Tumbleweed is in the last month I've made a trip to the Chicago Temple by myself, then one to Madison and back, and then back and forth again, all over the 4th of July weekend, and now I have driven to Rockford, IL, and later this week I'll be driving to close to Bloomington, IN. Can I say I'm ready to not have to make long trips for awhile. Or I feel like my brother and just shout TUMBLEWEED!!! with a warning that should be attached to it of going everywhere but no where. p.s. William shouted TUMBLEWEED, at the first tumbleweed he saw early in the morning while driving out to Utah, about 5 years ago.

This weekend was a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, that was highly suggested that I go to by my branch president. It was also suggested that I take the only other ysa from the branch and go, now my branch president knows that she and I are both shy...so my question was why send the two of us alone, that's just pointless, and the other question was WHY ROCKFORD??? there was a ysa conference in South Bend, IN, one in Michigan, and one in Indy, so WHY ROCKFORD???? So the first thing we did was go to the temple, which is one of the reasons he wanted us to go to begin with, since the other girl hadn't been in a while. While she did baptisms, I did sealing, because it was my fourth trip to the temple in a month and I had done everything else but sealings. As I was looking at my family file names, I realized that I had a ton of names that just needed to be sealed, and even printed more names, don't tell my sister, because all they needed also was to be sealed and all but three where ready and able to be sealed, right now. So I printed my names and had 4 to do baptisms for and a lot of sealings. When I got there they had a room full of sisters and I was asked if I had any daughter names and I said I did, so I handed those over and we got them ALL done. When we finished that batch and had a break, I mentioned that I had just printed of more names for sealings that day and could go get more daughters. I was told to go get those also, and we did ALL of those also. I almost felt bad, but no one else had family names, now I have a nice stack of just sons to be sealed and they'd be done also. I was completely shocked that I was able to get all of my girl names done, I figured I would be allowed to do just a few. As I listened to the sealing of a couple I was just extremely grateful that Heavenly Father stopped me from being sealed because...it would have null and void to begin with and then broken at some other point of time anyway. Then Sat. was really just classes and there where a few things that stood out to me, but really nothing to great. Granted the class on personal revelation was interesting because it wasn't what you would think it would be about. The point of the class that the teacher was trying to get across was that everything is a 'type or meterfore' that leads back to Christ and the gospel. We had a key, and talked about how it could represent the Keystone of our religion, unlocking the door to the gospel, how the key is made to fit only one item which could go back to how there is only one way to Christ. We had a rubber band, we said talked about sealing powers and flexibility that God gives us, how the word band can be take back to the hymns. A Christmas light is so small but the light that one light can give off and cause darkness to leave. Match box and how by striking the match on the box causes friction while is what produces the flame, and how friction in our life makes our light stronger...and a few more items but the put was that he challenged us to everyday look at items around us and see how they are 'types' of Christ. Then he told us the more we do it the more personal revelation we will get out of it. So after the classes we made movies to go with our theme of Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream...and well our's was the best, of course.
Then we had free time and on the back of our program was a list of things to do, and the included shopping on that list there was a  David's Bridal underneath our shopping guide. While I realized and pointed out almost immediately to one of the girls there and we concluded that we where in Rockford, to meet Mr. Right and know it in the first day, then need to rush and I mean rush, rush, rush to David's Bridal and the Chicago Temple so we could be sealed that day since the temple is going to be closed for the next two weeks and we couldn't possibly wait THAT LONG!!! Of course underneath the shopping was other ideas of thing to do in Rockford so we concluded that they had even planned on us having one date before the mad dash to David's Bridal...to bad my wedding dress is in Bloomington, I didn't know I could need it this weekend or I somehow would have planned a trip done there to get it. lol.  Then a course came the dance or a very long time to be tortured and entertained at the same time. But Sunday really seemed to be the reason for me to be in Rockford...and this is after Amanda, the girl I drove there mentioned another reason, which I had already come to realize could be a possibility, and then turned around and told her that answer wasn't funny which had us both laughing. We had an amazing testimony meeting, where some of the ideas that hit me were: Why did you move here? (which is basically what Amanda and I kept asking each other ALL WEEKEND, so that made us laugh.) To become experts at what we do, even when we don't know what we're doing there. That Heavenly Father let us go where we want to go, and then helps us find our purpose for being there (which was a huge answer for me.) And just so much of what people said on of the speaker for Sacrament talked about Heavenly Father keeping a journal of events that happen and how our bad days that lead us back to Him or make us stronger, might be great days to Him because of that. I like the thought that He keeps a record of our lives...and just events. I could go on and on about bits of testimonies that touched me and maybe I will when I begin to remember more. Oh we're also told that how we build our boat (our lives), determines where we end up. And that there are only two types of people in Lehi's dream we need to worry about those that eat the fruit and then fall away because of the mocking from the great and spacious building, and those that eat the fruit and stay faithful, because those are the only two types we can be since we've already tasted the fruit. So we were told to keep eating of the fruit and we'll never fall away. I'm sure I'll say more over the next week as I remember more, but I'm going to stop for the moment and switch to another post and another thought.

I crave to be loved...

I just realized why this situation drives me crazy, to me apart of love is attention from someone else. I spend all of my day alone, only to have my mother work long/late hours so by the time she gets home she calls my father if he's on the road, and calls Angela and William for pray. This is usually followed my bedtime, so I feel that she takes time to call and talk to everyone else who are gone but if there is a few minutes for her to talk to me...that is all I get. Usually after she's in bed and falling asleep on me, yes I home and she spends money on me or gives me money if I need it...but money has never been what I desired. I'm glad my dad can deal with this because I can't it hurts so much, I take this very personal, maybe because of how much I've been hurt in the last two years and this just reminds me of being with someone who doesn't really care about me. The sad part is that we've told her how much this hurts so...but it doesn't matter so what's the point of staying if I'm only going to keep hurting when all I want to do is to heal and be whole again.
That explains why when I dated Tom, I was happy because he centered his life around me to bad I was focused on work. With Nicholas, I only had his attention when he wanted me the rest of the time it revolved around his kids, which is where it should have been for the most part, but I needed time alone with him to get to know him. He just never made time available for us, and I avoided it by putting off my homework and hiding behind my computer.
I don't mean I have to be the center of attention, but attention to me means that someone cares enough to what to be there, talk to me, listen to me, ...and just loves me enough to take time to be there through hell and back. There is a song called Love Don't Run by Steve Holy, and that is what I want someone who will stand beside preferably holding my hand through thick and thin.

Opitions

Right now, I feel lost and that I don't know where Heavenly Father wants me to be. I look at all of the options of where I could live and none of them feel right. I could move back to Brookston live alone, hopefully find a job, be active with the YSA group there, but that hasn't felt right and after this weekend I realize how point less it would be. It always amazes me that I can be surround by people and yet never say anything more than a few comments. I could stay at the farm, but I feel like I'm dying here, yes I'm learning and growing spiritual...but I'm alone almost all of the time and when my mother is home I might as well be alone. My brother mentioned that I could and would continue to grow elsewhere and probably faster, if I moved off the farm. I could move to the boat and stay there the rest of the summer, but I don't necessarily feel safe there anymore, do I think I would be hurt probably not, but I don't want to put my in a place where I could be hurt. AND now if those choices weren't enough my sister asked me to move to Salt Lake City again, since we will be moving together soon she thought I might as well move in with her now. I admit I loved living in Sugar House, the church is a few blocks away, I would be in town so I could find a place to work, I could walk anywhere. She said we could try to make it to the rest of the Temples in Utah that we didn't make it to last year, and I like the YSA group there for the most part, and I could go to institute which is something I've rarely done, but want to do.  So if I can figure out the how, I just might be moving to Utah for the next few months, but all the same I'm not sure that is where I is best for me.