Talking to God...

Last night as I was looking at the front room, and thinking about how easier it would be if Salvation Army would just come and take it the furniture all in one trip. I heard the words, "But that wasn't my will." I realized that once again I was trying to take control of how I want things done. I don't know why, what I wanted was wrong all I know is that it was. Right know I have had a lot of doubt of how everything is working out and if it can. Mainly because I'm talking to a friend in Iowa...and we are really get a lot out of our conversations but all I see is the distances between us. Before I've always had the ability to talk to those I want to whenever I wasn't working or in school. Now with me not working or in school I have nothing to really focus my attention on, when he's busy or we're not talking and it makes me doubt. And I don't like this...so while talking to God last night I realized that I was letting fear, worry, and doubt destroy this friendship. I have to learn to trust that God has a plan for me, even if I can't see it right now.  I realized that I feel like I'm looking at a brick wall, again, and I can't figure out how to get over it, under it, around it, or even tear it down brick by brick if necessary. Again I heard these words, "Do you have enough faith, even that of a mustard seed?" I was reminded that this Sunday or Monday, I asked if Heavenly Father would tone down my headaches to the pain where I don't need pain killers. See I would really like them gone, but at this moment I'm not sure my faith is strong enough to believe in that, but for what I asked for it worked. My headaches have been so much nicer to me this week. I was then reminded of my blessing I got for my graduation, since I had been coughing so bad for at least a week up to it, and for the three days before graduation coughing so much that I was making myself sick at least once a day. I knew I couldn't sit through graduation without water, coughing, or possibly getting sick. So I asked for a blessing so I could go at least those three hours without coughing,. And it worked, and I again used that in June when I went to the Chicago Temple, and right as the endowment session was about to start, I started coughing, again I couldn't get water so I asked for the same blessing to be used so I could go through the endowment session without coughing any further.  And it work. I was then remind of going through the repentance process and the Atonement, and how my sins were forgiven. And how I was told that it worked. I then know that all of those things took faith, even a tiny as a mustard seed to work, but Heavenly Father helped them to work. I know that he can remove this brick wall that I can't seem to move, He can help me do the impossible. He know what I want, and He will help me achieve what is right and best for me, because that is his will. Celeste wrote yesterday, "That if it is important to you, then it is important to Him." When I read those words...it made everything that Heavenly Father and I talked about last night mean more...He know what I value, and what I want, He will help me do it in away that is pleasing to Him.

Clothes and Trust

After giving away 2 bags of clothes...I'm still packing too many clothes, that I MIGHT need someday. Despite the fact that I haven't worn them yet or at least very little. As I look around my room and at the stuff yet to pack I get so overwhelmed at what is left. I mean really how much do I need, and will I EVER use it. So I realized that I hold on to thing because what if, one day I need it. I'm not trusting Heavenly Father to provide for me now or even in the future. Yes, I can carry all of this junk I haven't used from one location to another, or I can let go of it TRUSTING that one day in the future it will appear when in need it and I'll be able to afford it then. It will make my move much lighter...and yes this doesn't just extend to household items.

On the Road to Damascus

Today during Sunday School we talked about Saul, I found it interesting that he had gotten permission to go to Damascus to bring the Saint to jail, that was the point of his journey...but something happened on the road that change his whole trip, and life. Christ appeared to him and that changed his intent for his journey. The thought that immediately popped into my head was...I'm on the way to massage school, but what is really going to happen instead. How many times in our lives do we think we know what we're doing and where we're going only to find a new course of direction. I thought I was going to Walt Disney World to save up for a mission, before I left I knew I wouldn't have enough money...but I went anyway. It changed my life, my roommates became my best friends, I loved the work, but destroyed my immune system, which taught me an important lesson on work, learned to let people in, learned how to hide my heartache. I had an amazing time with my family that came to visit, and learned that I need water. I thought I was getting married this Christmas, instead I learned the healing power of the Atonement, how much it truly does cover, and that nothing is to big for God, Christ, and the Atonement, when they say everything...THEY MEAN EVERYTHING. Now I don't quite know how my road is going to start or even where it takes me, but I ready to start my journey to Damascus.

Jets and Out Pour of Inspiration

One time this week, I was swimming in my aunt's pool and found the jet that blows the water into the pool.  As I looked at it, it reminded me of the out pour of inspiration of what is possible to us. There is a constant stream of communication from Heavenly Father down to us, all we have to do is listen, be prepare to receive it, be worthy of it, and be prepared to act upon it. As I floated around the pool it amazed how far you could be away from the jet, and yet it still is moving you around the pool, to me it seemed like once you receive inspiration and show that you doing your best to fulfill it the Holy Ghost will help do what needs to do. Then as I floated closer to the jet, I could just feel it surrounding my body, this what happens when the Holy Ghost is prompting you and guiding you. Now yes, you can block the jet of the pool, and the water is pushed in another direction, just as is inspiration, when you are unworthy of it, or when you just ignore it, the flow of commutation doesn't stop just because we're not listening, trust me I know. So we have to make sure we are always listen to the inspiration, and acting on the knowledge we receive.

Safe Havens, and Old Dreams

Safe Haven-
I find it interesting that growing up the farm was always my safe haven. It was the place I felt  and knew I was loved. Even in my death and destruction dreams, I find myself fighting on the farm. So why do I feel like it's no longer save or even the right place? Partly I feel that bringing Nicholas here, has part to do with it I no longer feel safe here because of him. After spending a week at my Aunt's and Uncle's house it was amazing how I felt. I felt safe, I could relax, and I didn't feel like I was fighting Satan as much...until it was time to come home. On Tuesday,when I was already packed and loaded my car, this feeling came over me were I knew I didn't want to go home. So we came up with an excuse to not to come home, my cousin's birthday. Then Wednesday night again Satan attacked me because I knew I was coming up and I felt like the Spirit was leaving me because of it. After, talking to Doug, I was able to work through some of why Satan is attacking me again about the farm.  It's time to get away from here.


Old Dreams-
This week I got a phone call from a massage school in Florida, and I've been looking at this school for the past 2 years. This phone call I got gave me all the information I've been seeking, the cost of tuition, classes, and courses they offer, the length of the programs. I realized the cost of the school is about what William paid at Purdue for a year. She also was very helpful about talking about the program I truly have been looking at and how it might be cheaper to go for two licencing instead of one degree, which opened up more locations I could go to school at. The thought came into my mind that massage is a dream that is now 2 years if not more, and maybe it's time for a new dream. I still haven't completely processed it at the moment, but I know that if we give up something we truly want for something that Heavenly Father wants to give us, we will be blessed for it, more than we can ever imagine. Maybe my dream was only to get me through the hard times that these last 2 years have been. Granted to I still want to study it, yes, but I'm willing to give it up and see what Heavenly Father has in store. I wasn't willing to give up my dream last fall, so why now? Granted he wasn't as supportive as he said he was of me going back to school. I really hadn't thought about not going back to school, I wanted this schooling and I was going to get it. Granted I do have another degree or two in mind also one is genealogy degree, which I think would help my family out A LOT and it's all online so I can be anywhere and taking classes, and I have a new dream that is also kind of old...Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.
I wonder if maybe the school is the old dream...I looked into some different schools in a different location, and found another one that I thought would be interesting, but I don't know about the price. They actually have a study abroad program, and gym in their school for the students to use. Which is something I've been thinking about if I was going to go back for more schooling, and they only have classes two days a week so I could work the other three days...I don't know it's all just thoughts forming in my head, and trying to come up with the right answer.

With holding myself

Elder Neal A. Maxwell commented:

“Ananias and Sapphira … ‘kept back’ a portion instead of consecrating their all (see Acts 5:1–11). Some would never sell Jesus for thirty pieces, but they would not give Him their all either!

“… We tend to think of consecration only in terms of property and money. But there are so many ways of keeping back part. One might be giving of money and time and yet hold back a significant portion of himself. One might share talents publicly yet privately retain a particular pride. One might hold back from kneeling before God’s throne and yet bow to a particular gallery of peers. One might accept a Church calling but have his heart more set on maintaining a certain role in the world” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 90; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 66).

When at Nauvoo, God and I had a long talk while I lay under a tree listening to the pageant being rehearsed. Part of it was about how closed of I had become in the last two years if not longer. I have been resisting letting people in because if you let people in you get hurt. I really gave up on having in friendships inside the church, one day while standing in the kitchen cooking lunch with my friends and realized that in the two hours of cooking they barely talked to me. So I figured if 'my friends,' didn't talk to me and no one else really did what was the point of being there. So I went back to the family ward where people talked to me and acknowledged me. That is part of the reason I don't go back to the singles ward at Purdue because what is the point, I can be in a room full of people and talk to no one. So after having this talk with God, and spending the rest of the day alone, even with the Purdue ysa.  I knew that the following weekend would be just as fun...and lonely. Except I challenged God that I there was no way that I would be any more open in a week, so it would basically be pointless to go. The difference at Rockford and Purdue was, people know of me at Purdue...were at Rockford we all came in small groups from all over and with the purpose of meeting others. So they FORCED me to be more open...and that is truly the key, they would have let me be alone, but really wanted to open up. Where at Purdue, they realize it is pointless, and don't force me to do anything outside of my comfort zone. Which is why Orlando was fun, I was encouraged to learn something new and just have fun no matter how stupid I looked. So now I truly am having to open myself up, on a more spiritual level, and yes I have opened myself up more at church in the last two years. But I get the feeling that Heavenly Father doesn't think its fast enough, and is going to force his hand  and make me progress much faster. To which I was told it will be fun, lol. I just wondering for who, those watching or for me, because somehow I will find this fun for awhile. I think it will be one of those things you look back on and say it was an important step to make me who I am today, and yes it was fun. The process I think will be hell though, the main point will be not fighting it, and laughing and smiling through it.

Sleep

I love sleep... I've always had weird sleeping habits, when I don't feel safe I don't sleep through the night. I could go to bed early and then about 10pm I would wake up and be up until about 5am then I could sleep until my body go the rest that it needed. Now I just never sleep through the night, because I haven't felt safe for so long I just am use to waking up often through the night so I then sleep later in the day. If I know I have nothing to do the next day I'm not motivated to get up either, because why prolong a day that is going to be empty anyway. Now after everything I've been through this last fall, I really need a reason for getting up early or Satan tempts me. I realized this weekend why I love sleeping on the boat, because it wakes me up early I hear the birds, the fishing boats going out early, and the sun shines right down on me to wake me up. Granted at 5am there is nothing to do on the boat since everyone else is sleeping, so I just lay there and even though I fall back to sleep, I'm safe. So today I was reading Psalms 57:8 Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early. We know that David suffered through depression, but even though he was at time depressed he is telling himself to wake up early and give glory to God. When you go through depression, all you want to do is sleep, so here we find David fight his depression. I just reassured me that I need to wake up earlier, since I've already been yelled at in my dreams telling me I sleep to much I guess I better do what David said, I myself will awake early. The way that is written make it seems that he does have to force himself to wake up early.

Music, God and I

So at the dance I was basically yelled at by my mother for not dancing...and asked what the point of going was if I don't dance. But the point is that I never know when Heavenly Father will answer my prayers through music, and sometime I may only hear that song at a dance, though that wasn't the case this time. It was amazing I prayed a pray of letting go and letting God take over, and more letting go of the past. When not two songs later came the song God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts, which is a song I've loved this time it just hit me again that I wouldn't be who I am today without all of the things I went through and mostly I was thing about the good times, but know that I have to let those go as well as the bad times, and truly move on. So after everything this weekend I ended up talking to a guy that I met this weekend, last night after I got home. That conversation made me realize that God/ the Holy Ghost talks to me through music...and I remember someone saying recently figure out how the Holy Ghost talks to you and learn the language so you can reply back. So this summer I've come to realize that even though I express myself better through music, and that by writing down my thoughts I'm able to really expand upon them more than I could by talking them out. So last night I put all of that information together and realized that if I want to express my thoughts to God, I need to do it by writing music. It's interesting that music has been on my mind a lot this summer now, I think I know why. I had I not been talking to this guy I never would have realized this part of it. So yes, that is part of WHY ROCKFORD!!!
On the drive home from the boat I realized that in Oct.-Nov. I really stopped listening to music, because I didn't want to interfere with anyone else spiritual experiences...which means I stopped listening to God...I know a shock considering what was going on at that time. So the only time I only listened to music was when I was driving at that time I had a cd playing in my car called the Ten Virgins, and there was a song that always hit me. When I drove away for the last time...that song started playing and I finally got what it said.
But that doesn't work for Disney, when I got to the hotel room, sick and alone for the first time in 6-7 months I realized that I hadn't been listening to God, so He talked and I just listened. I had been listening to music at that point, so maybe it was just the wrong songs which can happen.
Now today I heard What Do You Say, by Reba, and there is a point in the song where it say you just need listen to the silence and give yourself time to think. It talks about talking from your heart...i think that is what I need to apply to my music.

Tumbleweed and this weekend

I've realized that I feel like tumbleweed always going somewhere but never being anywhere at the same time. When I look back at my life in the last two years: I've was in Orlando for 6-7 months for my internship, moved back to the farm for a semester, then the Brookston house for a semester, Utah for two weeks last summer that started in May and ended in well August. I could have stayed there but decided to go back to Indiana, then spent my last semester of school on the boat and in Michigan City, but then moved back to the farm in Nov. until now. I could be moving to Utah again for who knows how long until my sister gets a job in Fl., then I'll move there. Another reason I feel like Tumbleweed is in the last month I've made a trip to the Chicago Temple by myself, then one to Madison and back, and then back and forth again, all over the 4th of July weekend, and now I have driven to Rockford, IL, and later this week I'll be driving to close to Bloomington, IN. Can I say I'm ready to not have to make long trips for awhile. Or I feel like my brother and just shout TUMBLEWEED!!! with a warning that should be attached to it of going everywhere but no where. p.s. William shouted TUMBLEWEED, at the first tumbleweed he saw early in the morning while driving out to Utah, about 5 years ago.

This weekend was a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, that was highly suggested that I go to by my branch president. It was also suggested that I take the only other ysa from the branch and go, now my branch president knows that she and I are both shy...so my question was why send the two of us alone, that's just pointless, and the other question was WHY ROCKFORD??? there was a ysa conference in South Bend, IN, one in Michigan, and one in Indy, so WHY ROCKFORD???? So the first thing we did was go to the temple, which is one of the reasons he wanted us to go to begin with, since the other girl hadn't been in a while. While she did baptisms, I did sealing, because it was my fourth trip to the temple in a month and I had done everything else but sealings. As I was looking at my family file names, I realized that I had a ton of names that just needed to be sealed, and even printed more names, don't tell my sister, because all they needed also was to be sealed and all but three where ready and able to be sealed, right now. So I printed my names and had 4 to do baptisms for and a lot of sealings. When I got there they had a room full of sisters and I was asked if I had any daughter names and I said I did, so I handed those over and we got them ALL done. When we finished that batch and had a break, I mentioned that I had just printed of more names for sealings that day and could go get more daughters. I was told to go get those also, and we did ALL of those also. I almost felt bad, but no one else had family names, now I have a nice stack of just sons to be sealed and they'd be done also. I was completely shocked that I was able to get all of my girl names done, I figured I would be allowed to do just a few. As I listened to the sealing of a couple I was just extremely grateful that Heavenly Father stopped me from being sealed because...it would have null and void to begin with and then broken at some other point of time anyway. Then Sat. was really just classes and there where a few things that stood out to me, but really nothing to great. Granted the class on personal revelation was interesting because it wasn't what you would think it would be about. The point of the class that the teacher was trying to get across was that everything is a 'type or meterfore' that leads back to Christ and the gospel. We had a key, and talked about how it could represent the Keystone of our religion, unlocking the door to the gospel, how the key is made to fit only one item which could go back to how there is only one way to Christ. We had a rubber band, we said talked about sealing powers and flexibility that God gives us, how the word band can be take back to the hymns. A Christmas light is so small but the light that one light can give off and cause darkness to leave. Match box and how by striking the match on the box causes friction while is what produces the flame, and how friction in our life makes our light stronger...and a few more items but the put was that he challenged us to everyday look at items around us and see how they are 'types' of Christ. Then he told us the more we do it the more personal revelation we will get out of it. So after the classes we made movies to go with our theme of Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream...and well our's was the best, of course.
Then we had free time and on the back of our program was a list of things to do, and the included shopping on that list there was a  David's Bridal underneath our shopping guide. While I realized and pointed out almost immediately to one of the girls there and we concluded that we where in Rockford, to meet Mr. Right and know it in the first day, then need to rush and I mean rush, rush, rush to David's Bridal and the Chicago Temple so we could be sealed that day since the temple is going to be closed for the next two weeks and we couldn't possibly wait THAT LONG!!! Of course underneath the shopping was other ideas of thing to do in Rockford so we concluded that they had even planned on us having one date before the mad dash to David's Bridal...to bad my wedding dress is in Bloomington, I didn't know I could need it this weekend or I somehow would have planned a trip done there to get it. lol.  Then a course came the dance or a very long time to be tortured and entertained at the same time. But Sunday really seemed to be the reason for me to be in Rockford...and this is after Amanda, the girl I drove there mentioned another reason, which I had already come to realize could be a possibility, and then turned around and told her that answer wasn't funny which had us both laughing. We had an amazing testimony meeting, where some of the ideas that hit me were: Why did you move here? (which is basically what Amanda and I kept asking each other ALL WEEKEND, so that made us laugh.) To become experts at what we do, even when we don't know what we're doing there. That Heavenly Father let us go where we want to go, and then helps us find our purpose for being there (which was a huge answer for me.) And just so much of what people said on of the speaker for Sacrament talked about Heavenly Father keeping a journal of events that happen and how our bad days that lead us back to Him or make us stronger, might be great days to Him because of that. I like the thought that He keeps a record of our lives...and just events. I could go on and on about bits of testimonies that touched me and maybe I will when I begin to remember more. Oh we're also told that how we build our boat (our lives), determines where we end up. And that there are only two types of people in Lehi's dream we need to worry about those that eat the fruit and then fall away because of the mocking from the great and spacious building, and those that eat the fruit and stay faithful, because those are the only two types we can be since we've already tasted the fruit. So we were told to keep eating of the fruit and we'll never fall away. I'm sure I'll say more over the next week as I remember more, but I'm going to stop for the moment and switch to another post and another thought.

Let Go and Let God.

I was texting a friend back in May about my sin and how I can't forgive myself, and he replied back, "Let go and let God." I just loved how that sounded, and how simple it seemed, so I started forgiving the past, especially him. I started to realize how the past was connected to my sin and why I let it happen. So I started letting go and letting God take the pain away. It worked, the pain seems to be gone, then last week I read a book that talked about forgiving everyone that you ever felt hurt you, and praying that you would know who you need to forgive and that they forgive you. You do all of this because if you don't forgive others you are blocking blessing that Heavenly Father has in store for you like peace and health, which I need. Now this week I picked up a series that I had read before, but as I reread it I kept seeing the words, Let Go and Let God. It stated that if you try to control your life you aren't trusting Heavenly Father to take care of you, and again your blocking whatever good he had in stored for you. I realized that I try to control my life so much, I know how I want my life to turn out, and I don't mean I have plans.  I don't leave room for any change, I don't leave room for Heavenly Father to guide me to the life he wants for me, because I have trust issues. I don't trust him to want the best for me and help me achieve it. I have always just wanted to be the daughter that He wants me to be, do and live the life He wants me to live, but I don't trust Him to do it...without hurting me, maybe. I have been praying this last year for the job that I feel that He wanted me to have, but I'm not sure how it will come about, which makes me still try to plan out this dream job, even now the job has changed a bit I'm still trying to tell Him how it should be done. It is something that I'm not sure how to Let Go and Let God, I know that if I do He will take control and make it come about which is what I want. So here goes everything I'm Letting Go and Letting God take control of the job I want, all it entails, and letting the blessing come with this job be blessing of His choosing.

Heavenly Father's wisdom and preparation

The one thing I love about Heavenly Father is that he prepares us as long as we listen to him. This last Sunday or Monday a thought popped into my mind of what if I could only get of the two degrees I want which would I go for. I answered very quickly with no hesitation I would go for the Bachelor degree in Genealogy, instead of the degree in Massage Therapy which I have waited two years until I could possibly even start, and have been promised twice that I would be allowed to get this degree, and yet I'm still waiting.  So there was and is a chance that I would be moving to a location where the school is located that I've been looking into for massage therapy but I found out on Tuesday that I may only be in that area for a year which isn't long enough for the degree I really want, but I could possibly be there long enough to get certified in Massage Therapy which would be a great start. One the other hand the Genealogy degree that I found while it would take four years, and I could do it completely online which means no matter where I live in the next four years, I could still be working on this degree. So had I not that this thought earlier, I wouldn't have be as ready to accept the fact that I still might not get the degree I want. I see though that Heavenly Father was preparing me for this and I have accepted that I should get my Bachelor degree, and if possible to the certification in massage therapy...granted I have to have the money to do both, and pay rent to live with my sister.

Priesthood Blessings

I have to admit I love priesthood blessing, I love that the can forewarn you of what's about to happen. In the last two it has mentioned my health which has me worried and wondering, and kind of laugh that at least I get a heads up warning. It's also amazing how fast I start getting sick right after those blessings, though. Right now I wouldn't classify me as sick yet, but a sore throat and an ear that is acting funny. So I'll wait and see what happens with this but for now I know that my doctor's office is amazing if you sound really sick they try to get you in as fast a possible, but I have to say I'm tired of being sick...especially with colds. I feel that with a cold you're not really sick, your just not as healthy as you could be so I continue to push myself because I'm not sick. But if it were something that is so much bigger than 'just a cold,' I would have no problem knowing that I'm sick and figuring out what to do or even call the doctor earlier than the point that my throat is so swollen that I can't breath or swallow.

God's wisdom.

My father was looking for some training that could help him get a raise...there was one he was really looking and wanting to attend but didn't get the grant money to attend when he was hoping to. So he asked to go to HASPA training in New York, this week, it wasn't the training he wanted and really wasn't sure what it would really do to help him, but it was more training for his job. When he arrived in New York and started his training he found out that if he passes the test at the end of the week, his name will go on an international list for HASPA inspections. He will also be the only person outside of Texas, and New York with this training at this moment, the instructors are really excited that he is there. They figure that he could be able to handle any inspections that cover the Midwest states, which will help the inspections happen quicker since he will be in the area, instead of the instructors having to travel from Texas to do them. My father also has realized that NO ONE at Purdue has this kind of training which may help him in getting a raise, because who else can say they are on an international inspection list???
No one of the thing that my father wants the most right now is that my mother be able to quit her job since it stresses her out A LOT!!! and she spends 12-14 hrs a day at work. If my father is able to get the raise he wants, and get to do inspections that will put him on a federal pay level for each inspection he does...it may help him get that wish...now all that is left to do is sell a house and a boat.  The other plus is that if he has to fly to the locations of the inspection...that means more flight rewards, and possibly more hotel points, which means he might still be able to travel and see his kids wherever we may be.
Is anyone else seeing God's wisdom in this this??? And at some level I see God's humor in this also.

Trust and friendship

So the last two weeks at church a students of the class I'm just started teaching gave amazing talks that over subjects that have been on my mind. The first student talked on friendship which he said that friendship and charity are interchangeable, and this week was that trust and faith are interchangeable. I realized that two years ago I made more friends and in the past two years I lost probably the same amount of friends...and just have more acquaintances than friends.  This week made me realizes that if I don't trust my family then how can I trust anyone else. If I don't have faith in my family then can I have faith in anyone else???

Jonah and I

Last night I realized how much I was like Jonah from the Old Testament, he had been called by God do a special work that only he could do. Instead of going to Nineveh and preaching repentance he gets on a boat and heads completely in the opposite direction. Once the boat leaves port, God causes a tempest to come upon the sea, the sailors do everything to save the boat, the throw their cargo over board, the captain tells everyone to pray to their gods, and then the captain goes to find Jonah, (here is an interesting part of the story,) the captain finds him sleeping despite the tempest (which Christ does also, later.) So Jonah realizes that God is causing this tempest because of him, to bring Jonah to REPENTANCE, so Jonah tells them to toss him over board, they try to get him to shore or at least closer to shore...but they can't so the finally throw Jonah over board. As soon as Jonah is in the sea two things happens a) the water calms, and b) a whale comes and swallows him. He spends three days repenting and praying to God forgiveness. Then goes about doing the Lord's work, granted maybe not as happily as he should have been, he still was wanting God to destroy the people of Nineveh, instead of rejoicing over the fact that the people have repented and a city saved.
So what does this have to do with me??? I feel that instead of doing what God's will, I've been running in the opposite directions as far away as I can get. I have been in a tempest of the sea for way to long. So it's now the time to be thrown over broad and enjoy the calming of the sea, and spend days praying, repenting, and trying to figure out what God will is for me instead of going about doing my will or at least wanting do my will. I also just realized that for my repentance to be a true repentance I most also rejoice over other people's repentance, I can't stand by waiting for their "city," to be destroyed. I have to allow them the same joy of being truly forgiven and know that God is a true and just God, who atoned for everyone sins all everyone have to do is accepted it. And I can't wish and want them to pay the price of their sins and the pain they have caused me, Christ paid that price already. And me holding onto it only continues to make Christ's pain longer, stronger, and harder.