With holding myself

Elder Neal A. Maxwell commented:

“Ananias and Sapphira … ‘kept back’ a portion instead of consecrating their all (see Acts 5:1–11). Some would never sell Jesus for thirty pieces, but they would not give Him their all either!

“… We tend to think of consecration only in terms of property and money. But there are so many ways of keeping back part. One might be giving of money and time and yet hold back a significant portion of himself. One might share talents publicly yet privately retain a particular pride. One might hold back from kneeling before God’s throne and yet bow to a particular gallery of peers. One might accept a Church calling but have his heart more set on maintaining a certain role in the world” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 90; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 66).

When at Nauvoo, God and I had a long talk while I lay under a tree listening to the pageant being rehearsed. Part of it was about how closed of I had become in the last two years if not longer. I have been resisting letting people in because if you let people in you get hurt. I really gave up on having in friendships inside the church, one day while standing in the kitchen cooking lunch with my friends and realized that in the two hours of cooking they barely talked to me. So I figured if 'my friends,' didn't talk to me and no one else really did what was the point of being there. So I went back to the family ward where people talked to me and acknowledged me. That is part of the reason I don't go back to the singles ward at Purdue because what is the point, I can be in a room full of people and talk to no one. So after having this talk with God, and spending the rest of the day alone, even with the Purdue ysa.  I knew that the following weekend would be just as fun...and lonely. Except I challenged God that I there was no way that I would be any more open in a week, so it would basically be pointless to go. The difference at Rockford and Purdue was, people know of me at Purdue...were at Rockford we all came in small groups from all over and with the purpose of meeting others. So they FORCED me to be more open...and that is truly the key, they would have let me be alone, but really wanted to open up. Where at Purdue, they realize it is pointless, and don't force me to do anything outside of my comfort zone. Which is why Orlando was fun, I was encouraged to learn something new and just have fun no matter how stupid I looked. So now I truly am having to open myself up, on a more spiritual level, and yes I have opened myself up more at church in the last two years. But I get the feeling that Heavenly Father doesn't think its fast enough, and is going to force his hand  and make me progress much faster. To which I was told it will be fun, lol. I just wondering for who, those watching or for me, because somehow I will find this fun for awhile. I think it will be one of those things you look back on and say it was an important step to make me who I am today, and yes it was fun. The process I think will be hell though, the main point will be not fighting it, and laughing and smiling through it.

My broken road

I was thinking about my past and realized that a year ago I was in Utah looking at wedding dresses for fun, and found an amazing one. Which I was very tempted to buy even though I didn't have a reason for purchasing it. If I had bought it I would have stayed in Utah for 6 months to have the dress completed, and who know what that would have lead to. Instead I came on and right a way started dating a older guy, who found me to be an easy target or so he thought. I believe we where playing a dangerous game of who's going to destroy who, which is what I think he was trying to do to me destroy me. Instead he realized that yes I let him have a lot of control over me, but I was still fighting him. So he gave up, and I homed back to the farm which is another mistake, because me being here last time didn't help so why would it this time. But this lead me to the repentance process, which I knew I would have to go through but I didn't want to do it where I was at because I don't feel like the bishop cared about me or noticed me. In March, I realized that my records were still in Michigan City, which were supposed to be move in Jan. so I could that branch president, who I know really well and knows he cared about me. Going through the repentance process, helped me understand that nothing is to big to be forgiven, and really how much it covers. In May, I got really sick the week before my graduation, and since I was coughing to the point of getting sick. I wasn't sure I could actually make it through graduation, so I asked for a blessing and basically what they said reminded me of the atonement and how Christ is willing to take upon him ALL of the things we hate or hurt us, like coughing to the point of getting sick and possibly missing out on graduation. Well I was able to go to graduation and made it through almost all of graduation without coughing, let alone getting sick. This broken path has also brought me to teaching Sunday School in Michigan City, and for the first time the stories are no more stories they are personal applications to my life and it's interesting watching how I see the stories now. Pres. Reyes encouraged me to drive to the Chicago Temple, for a Young Sexy Adult baptism session on my own, so I did an endowment session also. Then he also at the same time started encouraging me to go to a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, which I didn't want to do. And even up to last Tues. I wasn't sure I was going, then a friend told me to read an article out of the Ensign, and I read it and most of it in one day. And there was an article by the First Presidency was the one that told me I had to go, because I had promised to go, therefore; I was committed. So I went and to tell the truth I'm glad I did even if it was only for the conversation I had Sunday night, I think that alone was worth the 3.5 hrs drive.

Sleep

I love sleep... I've always had weird sleeping habits, when I don't feel safe I don't sleep through the night. I could go to bed early and then about 10pm I would wake up and be up until about 5am then I could sleep until my body go the rest that it needed. Now I just never sleep through the night, because I haven't felt safe for so long I just am use to waking up often through the night so I then sleep later in the day. If I know I have nothing to do the next day I'm not motivated to get up either, because why prolong a day that is going to be empty anyway. Now after everything I've been through this last fall, I really need a reason for getting up early or Satan tempts me. I realized this weekend why I love sleeping on the boat, because it wakes me up early I hear the birds, the fishing boats going out early, and the sun shines right down on me to wake me up. Granted at 5am there is nothing to do on the boat since everyone else is sleeping, so I just lay there and even though I fall back to sleep, I'm safe. So today I was reading Psalms 57:8 Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early. We know that David suffered through depression, but even though he was at time depressed he is telling himself to wake up early and give glory to God. When you go through depression, all you want to do is sleep, so here we find David fight his depression. I just reassured me that I need to wake up earlier, since I've already been yelled at in my dreams telling me I sleep to much I guess I better do what David said, I myself will awake early. The way that is written make it seems that he does have to force himself to wake up early.

Music, God and I

So at the dance I was basically yelled at by my mother for not dancing...and asked what the point of going was if I don't dance. But the point is that I never know when Heavenly Father will answer my prayers through music, and sometime I may only hear that song at a dance, though that wasn't the case this time. It was amazing I prayed a pray of letting go and letting God take over, and more letting go of the past. When not two songs later came the song God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts, which is a song I've loved this time it just hit me again that I wouldn't be who I am today without all of the things I went through and mostly I was thing about the good times, but know that I have to let those go as well as the bad times, and truly move on. So after everything this weekend I ended up talking to a guy that I met this weekend, last night after I got home. That conversation made me realize that God/ the Holy Ghost talks to me through music...and I remember someone saying recently figure out how the Holy Ghost talks to you and learn the language so you can reply back. So this summer I've come to realize that even though I express myself better through music, and that by writing down my thoughts I'm able to really expand upon them more than I could by talking them out. So last night I put all of that information together and realized that if I want to express my thoughts to God, I need to do it by writing music. It's interesting that music has been on my mind a lot this summer now, I think I know why. I had I not been talking to this guy I never would have realized this part of it. So yes, that is part of WHY ROCKFORD!!!
On the drive home from the boat I realized that in Oct.-Nov. I really stopped listening to music, because I didn't want to interfere with anyone else spiritual experiences...which means I stopped listening to God...I know a shock considering what was going on at that time. So the only time I only listened to music was when I was driving at that time I had a cd playing in my car called the Ten Virgins, and there was a song that always hit me. When I drove away for the last time...that song started playing and I finally got what it said.
But that doesn't work for Disney, when I got to the hotel room, sick and alone for the first time in 6-7 months I realized that I hadn't been listening to God, so He talked and I just listened. I had been listening to music at that point, so maybe it was just the wrong songs which can happen.
Now today I heard What Do You Say, by Reba, and there is a point in the song where it say you just need listen to the silence and give yourself time to think. It talks about talking from your heart...i think that is what I need to apply to my music.

Tumbleweed and this weekend

I've realized that I feel like tumbleweed always going somewhere but never being anywhere at the same time. When I look back at my life in the last two years: I've was in Orlando for 6-7 months for my internship, moved back to the farm for a semester, then the Brookston house for a semester, Utah for two weeks last summer that started in May and ended in well August. I could have stayed there but decided to go back to Indiana, then spent my last semester of school on the boat and in Michigan City, but then moved back to the farm in Nov. until now. I could be moving to Utah again for who knows how long until my sister gets a job in Fl., then I'll move there. Another reason I feel like Tumbleweed is in the last month I've made a trip to the Chicago Temple by myself, then one to Madison and back, and then back and forth again, all over the 4th of July weekend, and now I have driven to Rockford, IL, and later this week I'll be driving to close to Bloomington, IN. Can I say I'm ready to not have to make long trips for awhile. Or I feel like my brother and just shout TUMBLEWEED!!! with a warning that should be attached to it of going everywhere but no where. p.s. William shouted TUMBLEWEED, at the first tumbleweed he saw early in the morning while driving out to Utah, about 5 years ago.

This weekend was a Young Sexy Adult conference in Rockford, IL, that was highly suggested that I go to by my branch president. It was also suggested that I take the only other ysa from the branch and go, now my branch president knows that she and I are both shy...so my question was why send the two of us alone, that's just pointless, and the other question was WHY ROCKFORD??? there was a ysa conference in South Bend, IN, one in Michigan, and one in Indy, so WHY ROCKFORD???? So the first thing we did was go to the temple, which is one of the reasons he wanted us to go to begin with, since the other girl hadn't been in a while. While she did baptisms, I did sealing, because it was my fourth trip to the temple in a month and I had done everything else but sealings. As I was looking at my family file names, I realized that I had a ton of names that just needed to be sealed, and even printed more names, don't tell my sister, because all they needed also was to be sealed and all but three where ready and able to be sealed, right now. So I printed my names and had 4 to do baptisms for and a lot of sealings. When I got there they had a room full of sisters and I was asked if I had any daughter names and I said I did, so I handed those over and we got them ALL done. When we finished that batch and had a break, I mentioned that I had just printed of more names for sealings that day and could go get more daughters. I was told to go get those also, and we did ALL of those also. I almost felt bad, but no one else had family names, now I have a nice stack of just sons to be sealed and they'd be done also. I was completely shocked that I was able to get all of my girl names done, I figured I would be allowed to do just a few. As I listened to the sealing of a couple I was just extremely grateful that Heavenly Father stopped me from being sealed because...it would have null and void to begin with and then broken at some other point of time anyway. Then Sat. was really just classes and there where a few things that stood out to me, but really nothing to great. Granted the class on personal revelation was interesting because it wasn't what you would think it would be about. The point of the class that the teacher was trying to get across was that everything is a 'type or meterfore' that leads back to Christ and the gospel. We had a key, and talked about how it could represent the Keystone of our religion, unlocking the door to the gospel, how the key is made to fit only one item which could go back to how there is only one way to Christ. We had a rubber band, we said talked about sealing powers and flexibility that God gives us, how the word band can be take back to the hymns. A Christmas light is so small but the light that one light can give off and cause darkness to leave. Match box and how by striking the match on the box causes friction while is what produces the flame, and how friction in our life makes our light stronger...and a few more items but the put was that he challenged us to everyday look at items around us and see how they are 'types' of Christ. Then he told us the more we do it the more personal revelation we will get out of it. So after the classes we made movies to go with our theme of Finding Ourselves in Lehi's Dream...and well our's was the best, of course.
Then we had free time and on the back of our program was a list of things to do, and the included shopping on that list there was a  David's Bridal underneath our shopping guide. While I realized and pointed out almost immediately to one of the girls there and we concluded that we where in Rockford, to meet Mr. Right and know it in the first day, then need to rush and I mean rush, rush, rush to David's Bridal and the Chicago Temple so we could be sealed that day since the temple is going to be closed for the next two weeks and we couldn't possibly wait THAT LONG!!! Of course underneath the shopping was other ideas of thing to do in Rockford so we concluded that they had even planned on us having one date before the mad dash to David's Bridal...to bad my wedding dress is in Bloomington, I didn't know I could need it this weekend or I somehow would have planned a trip done there to get it. lol.  Then a course came the dance or a very long time to be tortured and entertained at the same time. But Sunday really seemed to be the reason for me to be in Rockford...and this is after Amanda, the girl I drove there mentioned another reason, which I had already come to realize could be a possibility, and then turned around and told her that answer wasn't funny which had us both laughing. We had an amazing testimony meeting, where some of the ideas that hit me were: Why did you move here? (which is basically what Amanda and I kept asking each other ALL WEEKEND, so that made us laugh.) To become experts at what we do, even when we don't know what we're doing there. That Heavenly Father let us go where we want to go, and then helps us find our purpose for being there (which was a huge answer for me.) And just so much of what people said on of the speaker for Sacrament talked about Heavenly Father keeping a journal of events that happen and how our bad days that lead us back to Him or make us stronger, might be great days to Him because of that. I like the thought that He keeps a record of our lives...and just events. I could go on and on about bits of testimonies that touched me and maybe I will when I begin to remember more. Oh we're also told that how we build our boat (our lives), determines where we end up. And that there are only two types of people in Lehi's dream we need to worry about those that eat the fruit and then fall away because of the mocking from the great and spacious building, and those that eat the fruit and stay faithful, because those are the only two types we can be since we've already tasted the fruit. So we were told to keep eating of the fruit and we'll never fall away. I'm sure I'll say more over the next week as I remember more, but I'm going to stop for the moment and switch to another post and another thought.

I crave to be loved...

I just realized why this situation drives me crazy, to me apart of love is attention from someone else. I spend all of my day alone, only to have my mother work long/late hours so by the time she gets home she calls my father if he's on the road, and calls Angela and William for pray. This is usually followed my bedtime, so I feel that she takes time to call and talk to everyone else who are gone but if there is a few minutes for her to talk to me...that is all I get. Usually after she's in bed and falling asleep on me, yes I home and she spends money on me or gives me money if I need it...but money has never been what I desired. I'm glad my dad can deal with this because I can't it hurts so much, I take this very personal, maybe because of how much I've been hurt in the last two years and this just reminds me of being with someone who doesn't really care about me. The sad part is that we've told her how much this hurts so...but it doesn't matter so what's the point of staying if I'm only going to keep hurting when all I want to do is to heal and be whole again.
That explains why when I dated Tom, I was happy because he centered his life around me to bad I was focused on work. With Nicholas, I only had his attention when he wanted me the rest of the time it revolved around his kids, which is where it should have been for the most part, but I needed time alone with him to get to know him. He just never made time available for us, and I avoided it by putting off my homework and hiding behind my computer.
I don't mean I have to be the center of attention, but attention to me means that someone cares enough to what to be there, talk to me, listen to me, ...and just loves me enough to take time to be there through hell and back. There is a song called Love Don't Run by Steve Holy, and that is what I want someone who will stand beside preferably holding my hand through thick and thin.

Opitions

Right now, I feel lost and that I don't know where Heavenly Father wants me to be. I look at all of the options of where I could live and none of them feel right. I could move back to Brookston live alone, hopefully find a job, be active with the YSA group there, but that hasn't felt right and after this weekend I realize how point less it would be. It always amazes me that I can be surround by people and yet never say anything more than a few comments. I could stay at the farm, but I feel like I'm dying here, yes I'm learning and growing spiritual...but I'm alone almost all of the time and when my mother is home I might as well be alone. My brother mentioned that I could and would continue to grow elsewhere and probably faster, if I moved off the farm. I could move to the boat and stay there the rest of the summer, but I don't necessarily feel safe there anymore, do I think I would be hurt probably not, but I don't want to put my in a place where I could be hurt. AND now if those choices weren't enough my sister asked me to move to Salt Lake City again, since we will be moving together soon she thought I might as well move in with her now. I admit I loved living in Sugar House, the church is a few blocks away, I would be in town so I could find a place to work, I could walk anywhere. She said we could try to make it to the rest of the Temples in Utah that we didn't make it to last year, and I like the YSA group there for the most part, and I could go to institute which is something I've rarely done, but want to do.  So if I can figure out the how, I just might be moving to Utah for the next few months, but all the same I'm not sure that is where I is best for me.