My last name

I've come to the conclusion that maybe one of Satan's ways of not making family history easy is by convincing us to be casual in our introductions of ourselves. Instead of stating our full names, we may simply state our first name. We then don't get the last name of the person we're talking too, which reduces the chance of finding those people around us who might have similar name to those of our ancestors. Which means we don't find new lines that can connect our family tree to other family trees. So our tree doesn't grow it just stay an singular and stands all alone in the forest, instead of on the hillside surrounded by other trees. The point of family history is to connect families with each other until the whole earth is linked in one huge family tree, and Satan doesn't want that to happen. He doesn't want us to be families, especially eternal families. I love looking around me for those who might be related to me, granted right now I don't expect to find anyone, but if I don't us my full name I won't. I do believe that we all are related, so we have to be will to look for those among our friends and co-worker who have the same last name as our family. It also mean that you have to spend time studying your family tree, you should know the last names of the main lines, but also where they came from. That will be extremely helpful in knowing if the families were settled in the same states. Don't be afraid to approach people you don't know but think you might be related too, you might miss the chance and never be able to take it again. Both of my parents have asked strangers about their family history, since their names matched ours family names, and neither one of them is that interested in family history. They did it because they weren't sure they would ever have the chance to again, now nothing came of it but they still asked.

D&D dreams

Just when I think...maybe something has changed so that I no longer dreaming my d&d dreams, another one happens. Most of the time I'm okay with them...well as okay as you can be when you are constantly dreaming of death and destruction, but every now and again one just hurts, or REALLY scares me. Last nights just hurts...the main character other than me, was this adorable little boy, my biological son. Having children in my d&d dreams is normal, but most times I know their not mine or are cousins, nieces or nephews. Seldon do I ever really know that it was MINE, their just children that I there to help, protect or to keep safe, but he was mine. I was trying so hard to get him to safety, somewhere away from me, to protect him...that is what I do...always. But he would go, he was young, very young, but he knew that if he caused a scene I would take him back from the person I was trying to give him to so he would be safe.  I woke up just hurting because even though I didn't know why it was better for him without me I know I was trying to do the right thing for him. Then after getting up and pray about it...I realized that others are alway getting hurt in my dream how can I expect to always come out of them without endangering myself, and my children. Even if I try to protect them, there is no promise that they will be safer without me, or if I keep them with me that they'll actually be safe. I'm not in control, only running from those that would harm me. But even then God is the one would can protect me, my family, and all the other children who are always in the dreams with me. He is the only who can keep us safe in D&D.
Today at church some read Doctrine and Covenants 122:6-7: If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from thy bosom wife and of thine offspring and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thine garments, and shall say, My father, my father what can't you stay with us? and if then he shall be thrust from thee, by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies shall prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into a pit, or in the hands of murderers, and a sentenced of death by passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thy enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all the very jaws of hell gape open wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things will give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
With my dreams I can believe all of the first part...but I MUST remember the last part: Know thou, my daughter, that all these things will give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. I needed to hear that today, especially after that dream.

Running away, again???

Why do I feel that it's what I'm really doing instead of helping out my sister? It's not like I have any reason to believe what I want would actually happen. In fact, it probably wouldn't but in my head I've built it up into something when in fact it's nothing. Yet, instead of facing what I want I'm taking the chance to leave, because I have no reason to refuse. It's not like I have a job to stay for and don't have the confidence to actually look for one, I don't have a place to stay where I would look for a job. So I'll move to a place where there is a possibility for jobs, and a place to stay. A place a few weeks ago, I felt so right. So am I running away...or running toward something. That is really what I want, it's what I wanted when I was there to not have to come home. But to find a job, go to school...and to have a reason to stay, just ONE reason to belong SOMEWHERE, instead of just existing or going through the motions of something like life. I've been looking for a way and reason to return. Praying for a way to help my sister, not sure how, but hoping I can. Now I just have to make it happen ALL of it job, schools, helping her, going to the temple, doing genealogy work and maybe even being a temple worker...just because I'm closer and don't have to make such a long drive to do it. Maybe this will help me, and finish healing me so next time I'll actually face the music instead of running away or actually live in reality instead of inside my head.

Where I've been hiding...

I know it's been awhile since I posted anything new, so almost a month ago I was house sitting for people from church while they were away for a week. Since they have two dogs, and a cat, they didn't want me hanging out in their house ALL day long. I realized that they were only a couple of miles away from the local museum which has a LOT of genealogy records...so I went there instead. What I found where 4 to 5 books that related to my family, so I've spent the last few weeks on random days and times updating my PAF files. I hope when I finish, I'll finally feel like I have accomplished all that I need to do from the farm for my families' genealogy so I can finally move on. Granted I have already learned that 3 and probably 4 of the books are already on familysearch, but I'm not sure if they will have the living people there, so I just look for those. Most of the information I already had it is mainly just filling death dates, and children. So I hope to be done a lot faster, than I really probably will be, because now I have to convince myself to go and spend the time there from the farm. But I've had a lot of fun doing it.

Talking with Grandma

What I learned from talking to Grandma RUNKLE: Edith BURNS, was married to a guy from and in New York City...so how did someone from Grass Creek, Indiana met a guy from NEW YORK CITY!!! Edith was the postmistress so she sent her name and address in one of the bags going out. And John BRIGGS found the address and they started corresponding, and eventually decided to get married in New York City. So her brother Robert and his wife Mildred (Grandma Runkle's parents) Gertrude and her husband Claude, Helen, and maybe their mother, Carrie (DOWNS) Burns. As William Thomas, put it...that had to be a long trip. I thought it sounded a lot like nowadays: online dating.

Why dead people...

Because they can't hurt you the way living people can. Granted to be friends you have to talk to each other, and since I stopped communicating with everyone...then it shouldn't hurt. Stupid me, thinking I could stop the having people hurting me. Or me letting them hurt me, it's a vicious circle. I'm ready to stop living in the hell I call the past, and make new friends. I know, I'll only be opening myself to NEW pain, but at least it won't be this again with the same person. Maybe I'll be living in a place where I can't dwell, on it!!! Or it won't register to me that I'm being hurt. LOL. I know I chose to let them hurt them...anyway, today I saw something that made me happy. One of my old young women, was showing her support to another despite how different they were back then, and how different they still are. :) Sorry I just had to express that.
Nothing like going to Relief Society to hear that I was looking at the rocks, but not finding the flecks of gold. I need to try to focus on the good things instead of the hurt. Which still means I need to leave here to get away from all of the negative environment.

9 Generation Fan Chart

At Christmas my sister mention that I should make a fan chart for our genealogy but I couldn't find it. Well this week I did, so I printed it out to see where we're missing information. Much to my surprise, we reach the sixth generation in all lines, and are only missing two couples out of the seventh generation. So now I know where to focus my searches, and I've know that a few lines don't go very far but wasn't sure where and how many. Then my father was talking to my great-aunt Janece Herrold and he mention I had printed out this 9 generation chart and that the BURNS side of our family was really short...then she mentioned that years ago she had gotten some of the genealogy from Edith BRIGGS who is on my mom side of the family, and I need all the help I can get on that side. Which is one of the lines I want to start researching it is one of my very short lines!!! I've been amazed recently by those in the church around who have been wanting to start their own research only to have other step up with the information they've been needing, looking for, or not even looking for but get it to start on a different line. Now it's happening to one of the lines, I wasn't sure how or where to start researching, but having the desire to do so regardless. I think that is one of the keys having the desire, regardless of knowing how to start the research. If you have the desire, and start trying to make progress I believe and have seen a lot lately that Heaven Father will help you.