D&D dreams

Just when I think...maybe something has changed so that I no longer dreaming my d&d dreams, another one happens. Most of the time I'm okay with them...well as okay as you can be when you are constantly dreaming of death and destruction, but every now and again one just hurts, or REALLY scares me. Last nights just hurts...the main character other than me, was this adorable little boy, my biological son. Having children in my d&d dreams is normal, but most times I know their not mine or are cousins, nieces or nephews. Seldon do I ever really know that it was MINE, their just children that I there to help, protect or to keep safe, but he was mine. I was trying so hard to get him to safety, somewhere away from me, to protect him...that is what I do...always. But he would go, he was young, very young, but he knew that if he caused a scene I would take him back from the person I was trying to give him to so he would be safe.  I woke up just hurting because even though I didn't know why it was better for him without me I know I was trying to do the right thing for him. Then after getting up and pray about it...I realized that others are alway getting hurt in my dream how can I expect to always come out of them without endangering myself, and my children. Even if I try to protect them, there is no promise that they will be safer without me, or if I keep them with me that they'll actually be safe. I'm not in control, only running from those that would harm me. But even then God is the one would can protect me, my family, and all the other children who are always in the dreams with me. He is the only who can keep us safe in D&D.
Today at church some read Doctrine and Covenants 122:6-7: If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from thy bosom wife and of thine offspring and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thine garments, and shall say, My father, my father what can't you stay with us? and if then he shall be thrust from thee, by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies shall prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into a pit, or in the hands of murderers, and a sentenced of death by passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thy enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all the very jaws of hell gape open wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things will give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
With my dreams I can believe all of the first part...but I MUST remember the last part: Know thou, my daughter, that all these things will give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. I needed to hear that today, especially after that dream.

Running away, again???

Why do I feel that it's what I'm really doing instead of helping out my sister? It's not like I have any reason to believe what I want would actually happen. In fact, it probably wouldn't but in my head I've built it up into something when in fact it's nothing. Yet, instead of facing what I want I'm taking the chance to leave, because I have no reason to refuse. It's not like I have a job to stay for and don't have the confidence to actually look for one, I don't have a place to stay where I would look for a job. So I'll move to a place where there is a possibility for jobs, and a place to stay. A place a few weeks ago, I felt so right. So am I running away...or running toward something. That is really what I want, it's what I wanted when I was there to not have to come home. But to find a job, go to school...and to have a reason to stay, just ONE reason to belong SOMEWHERE, instead of just existing or going through the motions of something like life. I've been looking for a way and reason to return. Praying for a way to help my sister, not sure how, but hoping I can. Now I just have to make it happen ALL of it job, schools, helping her, going to the temple, doing genealogy work and maybe even being a temple worker...just because I'm closer and don't have to make such a long drive to do it. Maybe this will help me, and finish healing me so next time I'll actually face the music instead of running away or actually live in reality instead of inside my head.

Where I've been hiding...

I know it's been awhile since I posted anything new, so almost a month ago I was house sitting for people from church while they were away for a week. Since they have two dogs, and a cat, they didn't want me hanging out in their house ALL day long. I realized that they were only a couple of miles away from the local museum which has a LOT of genealogy records...so I went there instead. What I found where 4 to 5 books that related to my family, so I've spent the last few weeks on random days and times updating my PAF files. I hope when I finish, I'll finally feel like I have accomplished all that I need to do from the farm for my families' genealogy so I can finally move on. Granted I have already learned that 3 and probably 4 of the books are already on familysearch, but I'm not sure if they will have the living people there, so I just look for those. Most of the information I already had it is mainly just filling death dates, and children. So I hope to be done a lot faster, than I really probably will be, because now I have to convince myself to go and spend the time there from the farm. But I've had a lot of fun doing it.

Talking with Grandma

What I learned from talking to Grandma RUNKLE: Edith BURNS, was married to a guy from and in New York City...so how did someone from Grass Creek, Indiana met a guy from NEW YORK CITY!!! Edith was the postmistress so she sent her name and address in one of the bags going out. And John BRIGGS found the address and they started corresponding, and eventually decided to get married in New York City. So her brother Robert and his wife Mildred (Grandma Runkle's parents) Gertrude and her husband Claude, Helen, and maybe their mother, Carrie (DOWNS) Burns. As William Thomas, put it...that had to be a long trip. I thought it sounded a lot like nowadays: online dating.

Why dead people...

Because they can't hurt you the way living people can. Granted to be friends you have to talk to each other, and since I stopped communicating with everyone...then it shouldn't hurt. Stupid me, thinking I could stop the having people hurting me. Or me letting them hurt me, it's a vicious circle. I'm ready to stop living in the hell I call the past, and make new friends. I know, I'll only be opening myself to NEW pain, but at least it won't be this again with the same person. Maybe I'll be living in a place where I can't dwell, on it!!! Or it won't register to me that I'm being hurt. LOL. I know I chose to let them hurt them...anyway, today I saw something that made me happy. One of my old young women, was showing her support to another despite how different they were back then, and how different they still are. :) Sorry I just had to express that.
Nothing like going to Relief Society to hear that I was looking at the rocks, but not finding the flecks of gold. I need to try to focus on the good things instead of the hurt. Which still means I need to leave here to get away from all of the negative environment.

9 Generation Fan Chart

At Christmas my sister mention that I should make a fan chart for our genealogy but I couldn't find it. Well this week I did, so I printed it out to see where we're missing information. Much to my surprise, we reach the sixth generation in all lines, and are only missing two couples out of the seventh generation. So now I know where to focus my searches, and I've know that a few lines don't go very far but wasn't sure where and how many. Then my father was talking to my great-aunt Janece Herrold and he mention I had printed out this 9 generation chart and that the BURNS side of our family was really short...then she mentioned that years ago she had gotten some of the genealogy from Edith BRIGGS who is on my mom side of the family, and I need all the help I can get on that side. Which is one of the lines I want to start researching it is one of my very short lines!!! I've been amazed recently by those in the church around who have been wanting to start their own research only to have other step up with the information they've been needing, looking for, or not even looking for but get it to start on a different line. Now it's happening to one of the lines, I wasn't sure how or where to start researching, but having the desire to do so regardless. I think that is one of the keys having the desire, regardless of knowing how to start the research. If you have the desire, and start trying to make progress I believe and have seen a lot lately that Heaven Father will help you.

Genealogy

Today a member of my church, who a few weeks ago I gave her a name I found in my genealogy because it was very close to her husband's surname, came over so I could help her use new.familysearch.org. It was a rough start but once we started entering information it was fun to see what we could find and do. I help her take names off a pedigree chart and put them on new.familysearch, then we looked at familysearch.org because she realized that you can't search for information at new.familysearch. I never had much luck with familysearch but...today we typed in a name and right away we found a census record with his name on it. We found his children and could guess on about birth years so we added those to her family on new.familysearch. Then she mention that she had just gotten information from someone in the family, and she couldn't understand it. I looked at it and realized that the family we just added to new.familysearch were on the top of that sheet of paper, with birth date, and location. So we edited that information, and add some children who weren't born at the time of the 1910 census. Then I looked at the bottom of the page realize that the mother of the family add the top of the page, had her parents and siblings at the bottom of the page, so we added them. She was then excited to find out that by adding that family she came across temple work that was finally done. That family went back a few generations and most of their work was done. By the time we were done, I was able to explain most of what was in the packet of information, that she had gotten from her husband's family. It was an interesting to look at someone else's genealogy, and figure out how it was all connected. I've never had to look at someone else genealogy and see how it fit together. I know that she was impressed how I could take a few notations on the sides of the paper and figure out what they meant. So it was a good day, I'm glad I could share some of my knowledge of genealogy with someone else. And she can't wait to try this on her own, later this week. I also was able to get more of my own genealogy done, after she left so I only have 300 and some odd people to search before I finish the first search that I'm doing using FamilyInsight. So I'm excited about that also.

What I've been up to...Genealogy

This summer I was looking at my genealogy and realized that I/we could get a lot of my family temple work done if we focus on it. So I was looking at ways to see if there was work that we missed, and I found that there was a program called FamilyInsight. And with it I could search all of my family files names in new.familysearch, and find work that we missed or didn't know was done. Then I could combine those names and get it combine on my PAF file and new.familysearch at the same time. Which is a huge time saver, I also find out that we have 7000 names in our PAF file which I never knew before. I also like that FamilyInsight shows those that were living due to birth dates.  I wish I could find away to see how much work is done, how many are living, how many are in the 55 years that we can't do work for, and then how many names we actually have left to work on. I'm excited by the work I've been able to get done, over this last part of the year. I figure in the next few months I'll have all the names combine, and really know how much work there is really left to do. Then we'll reprint the family file sheets once the temple is work is done.